When longing doesn’t subside..

Speaking tonight to a very good friend of mine brings up something that haunts so many. Longing.. wanting the elusive dreams that sometimes never come to be, those of the past that linger, that never quite separate you from what once was.

I have longings.. so many. I want to be younger, thinner, whole. I want the years back that I wasted with T. I want the chance again to make my life something, but those years will never come again.

What is it when someone leaves their mark on your life, so deeply, so profoundly, that the thought of looking anywhere else wounds the heart and soul? When it keeps one from being able to see around them, to see others purely for who they are, instead of the shadowy image of the past lurking, superimposing over those they meet.

But it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes you meet someone truly special, someone who helps you realize that there is more to you than what you think you are. Perhaps not that one that can make your life complete, but someone who can spend time, learning to open up again, and just take things one day at a time. Learn that the illusive perfection that one longs for is irrational, that those that you meet where you least expect it can help broaden the scope of who is in life around you, to realize that the narrow focus was far too narrow for ones’ own good.

I don’t know that this makes much sense. There has been a lot going on lately. On one hand I have made a very good friend, someone who does accept me as I am, encouraging me to grow and not give up. On the other hand, there is someone that I tried to help, tried to encourage, but I’ve learned some lessons that were not easy to learn.

I have watched one I care about who is deeply mired in misery and self-defeat. Someone who gave up on himself and on life many years ago, who feels the world is out to destroy him. He seems to revel in this untiringly, looking for someone else to be his salvation, thinking that if he were to finally meet someone, be in a relationship, then everything else would fall into place. The sad truth is that no one can ‘save’ another, until one learns to care about themselves, no one else can either. I did not accept this until now, always thinking it was just a cliche.

The only thing is, his defeatist attitude spills out around him, when he stated that he wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend out of pity, just to have that.. saddened me. When he went on to state that he was in love with me, I was floored. And I hurt him, because though I care about him, it is not in that way, it cannot be. The way he is reminds me so of what I used to be, what I have fought for so long to grow away from. Walls fly up when he begins the litany of despair and upset, and he clings to it, having stated that he does not wish to ever change.

That is one difference in how I was, I never wanted to be that way. I never wanted to complain so that I would lose friends, and yet I did.. countless friends who walked away because they could not bide time with me as I was. I grieve so for what I have lost, for the stupid mistakes I made because I chose that which would only hurt me more in the long run, because I did not think I deserved better, thought I deserved to be hurt instead.

I don’t know that I’ve grown that much, but I am trying to. Still small steps to pull myself out of my own past despair, to try to live in whatever fashion I can. It might be insignificant to many, but to me they are bigger steps than I have taken in more than a dozen years.

To go out in public, to not stare at the ground when I do so, being able to lift my chin up enough to look around me, not so scared of what I might see in others’ faces. When a month ago the thought of going to a movie terrified me, now I can go without hesitation. Yes, small things most take for granted, but to me it is a big step.

I am trying, the best I can. At least I can see some progress, so even if others’ do not, I can see it myself and I think that’s what matters right now.