Turmoil that boils beneath the surface..

This is something I wasn’t going to write about. This is partly why I have not written an entry in some time. There has been so much stress in my life of late, that I could not even fathom writing about more difficulties and angst.. I just hate writing about angst. Yet there are times when it is necessary, as it is now.

Who I am intrinsically, my nature, my entire personality, was attacked by someone I went out of my way to help for close to a year. I had a roommate for several months, someone I met online, but not in person. Someone who would have been homeless, but out of friendship and caring, I offered a place to stay.

It took this one several months to find employment and during that time, I was the sole means of his support. Our friendship was purely platonic during the entire stay and it was not until he was to leave on a visit to where he used to live, that he confessed that he had fallen in love with me.

My feelings for him were not returned, though I cared for him very much as a friend. I saw that there were too many similiarities between us, that could have spelled disaster were we to have more than just friendship between us. I realized while he was here, that in any relationship I might have in the future, I would need someone who could be strong for me, that I cannot be the strong one always. He had many issues that he had to deal with and I listened as best I could, while he vented for what he was going through.

There were times when it was draining for me, to try to be strong for hours, days, weeks and months, to struggle to help keep him focused, when he cried out that his life was over, that there was no hope. Many of the things that I myself deal with, fight against, to try to encourage another to not give up, when I myself at times wish to.. was not always easy.

So, I had to admit to him, when he was away, that I could no longer be the support for him. He was unable to retain the job, due to unfortunate circumstances that were not his fault. Management had changed and many were let go. He had tried so hard to find the job in the first place, the unemployment in this area is horrendous. I knew when he lost the job just how difficult it would be for him to go through the job search, yet I tried to encourage him. Yet I could not see how it would logistically work any longer, not when his feelings for me could not be returned in the same manner. It was just more than I could deal with at that time.

So this last week, he came to retrieve the rest of his things. His room had remained as he left it, and he had promised that he would clean it and leave it as he had found it. When I returned that night, after we had seemingly resolved issues we had had, I found that he had gone through private documents, IM’s that another friend and I had had. In that, I re-read them, the only reference to this ex-roommate was that he was draining on me. And that is something I had admitted to him as well. It was draining on me, it was difficult to deal with taking calls from customers on technical support issues, then come home and hear more complaints.

Fast forward to tonight, when I read in his journal that he felt that I was phony. That he felt justified in going through private documents, to find out how someone felt about him. Yet I re-read those documents myself and only saw that one reference, a very small one, telling my friend how draining he had been.

So that is my thanks for helping someone who was to be homeless, to support him 100% during that time, provide shelter, food, and emotional support. It makes me wonder just why I try to help others at times.

I wrote an angry letter stating just this to him just now. Words that I may regret another time. But I have not been this angry for several years now, it is just good that he was not here, for me to unleash the rage I felt that night. To have my character maligned without reason, just upsets me no end. I do my best to be honest, I do my best to help as I can, and to be referred to as phony wounds me deeper than I can express.

This and the stress at work has been rather difficult. I was moved from phones to e-mail support. And while it is a relief to not be on the phones, there is a situation currently that has my job in jeopardy and I will not have a day off for two weeks because of this.

To end my entry on something other than angst.. I just have the following:

If I can say one thing to anyone who would write an enquiry into an e-mail support site, please give as much information as possible.. it helps immensely for the one who is to try to resolve a problem you are having, to have the information to work with that will allow them to give you the solutions you seek.

That and sewing machines are not able to connect you to the internet. No matter how hard you try, you do need a computer to be out of the box before you can get your e-mail.

Just a couple of tips from a technical support rep 😉