Thoughts in Weariness

I hate most of all to write angst filled entries.. which is why I haven’t written of late. But there is so much buried inside that I need to write, even if it is that. So for those who read, there really isn’t a need to, it’s just the same old stuff, as has been said countless times before.

A few weeks ago I rode with a good friend along the coast, spending a few hours sitting quietly on the beach. The sand was so soft, after spending time with the sand between my toes, looking for agate and other stones.. watching kite fliers and dogs racing each other up and down the surf as the waves gentle carressed the shore.

The day before had been spent sitting on a tree stump along Crater Lake. The visibility was severely limited due to fires raging nearby, but it was still an impressive sight, nonetheless. While I was sitting there, I thought to myself how I wished I could capture that moment to take with me, to pull out for times like now, when there is such bleakness to my day.

A few moments ago I was watching the ducks that spend time near where I work. And I wonder how they can live near there, where it is so gloomy.. yet it is not unlike my own dwelling that is gloomy, that at the end of the day it engulfs me, makes it difficult to function normally.

Attempts of my own to rectify this has not met with success. I make a tiny inroad, only to then have to deal with the results, difficulty sleeping due to my lower back complaining profusely.

I get so tired of being trapped within my own body, I cannot deal with my own company, and yet I also hate how my attitude can affect others, which causes me to hide away, to not infect those I care of.

Lethargy, gloominess, weariness.. it swallows me like a shroud. I hide myself away from friends and family, hurting my mother for not being in contact often, but it is because there is so little to tell.. other than the same thing always.. and just repeating it gets old.

I truly despise days like today, I wish there were a way to step outside of myself for awhile and be different, be someone else, just to escape. I try to do this in playing games at night.. and that helps some, to escape for awhile. But I cannot help but feel sad that there is no way to escape from being me, as hard as I’ve fought, days like today make me feel that I have made zero progress.

I know when this passes I’ll be relieved, it’s just another time, like many others that I fight to avoid and sometimes it sneaks up on me when I least expect it, as it has today. Nothing caused this, that I can see.. and I think that is what has frustrated me the most, that there was no lead-in for it, it just hit me hard.

And I feel sad that I have caused discomfort for those I care of that i have allowed close still, because it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. If I only knew how to fix myself, because though of late suicide does sound appealing, I know I will not, as tired as I am of how things are, I cannot go that route.

So for those who have wondered, there has just been much going on beneath the surface, much that is hard to find new words to use. Difficulties in facing my existence still. As I said in the beginning, it’s the same as usual, and very tiring.