Thoughts in Transitions (part two)

I suppose another reason why I could write of life right now is that I am on vacation for the week as well. I worked Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas, which in additional to providing a better paycheck, is a relief in and of itself. It helps take a bit of the burden off my shoulders when asked what I am doing for the holidays. Of course, when I tell them I work, people show amazement or upset that I should have to go without the holidays, but when there is nothing other than TV Dinners in front of the computer as an option, I would much rather work. It also makes me feel good in one aspect, while I am there; it means one less co-worker needs to give up their holidays.

This year, I honestly didn’t wake up dreading the days. I did not even truly feel aware of what the days were, other than in a remote way. They were just days to me… and as I’d tell those who wanted to offer sympathy, I was not in any way upset as my holiday started the day after. Not only was DarkRen flying in that day, but I would not return to work until the 5th of January.

Another thing that was difficult for me to approach writing of, was that a couple of months ago I introduced M and E and it appears that they have hit it off fairly well. She has flown up here twice; he has gone down to her place once and plans again to go on the 10th. There have been some rough patches, life has not been kind to either of them in the past and long-distance relationships are never easy. I am doing my best to stay out of the way, however they do or do not relate together, I can take no part in it, for their sake. I will not meddle if I can possibly help it. The downside to that is needing to keep some distance from them while they figure things out between them. With E it is not so difficult, he has become more and more distant in the last year, which can happen in any friendship. With M, however, I cannot truly remain distant from how she feels. She and I have shared far too much, going through the times of both of our marriages failing, not to mention her being the one to keep me from succeeding when I attempted suicide. She and I had not had the chance to talk for a couple of years, so while I do not remain distant in other parts of her life, I do my best to stay neutral when discussion of her and E arises. I will listen, but for more than general advice, I can do nothing.

Some of this is likely due to having my own difficulties with how E and I relate. He gets very angry at me for “giving up” on life. That I feel no compulsion to try to find love again, that I have found it much more comfortable to remain in seclusion. He does not understand that for me to find *any* modicum of ease in getting through a day, is not something for me to sneeze at. I mentioned earlier that I had been on anti-depressants, that after I first began the prescription, within a couple of weeks, I felt a marked difference in my perspectives, in my emotional stability. I also mentioned that I have not had these prescriptions for the last 4 years. What I failed to mention then was that I have also been without hormone therapy, which is given immediately after a hysterectomy. Combine the lack of both prescriptions and I think I’m doing very well, indeed, to be at a place where I can feel fairly calm, fairly stable and not given to weep at the drop of a hat.

So… no, life isn’t what I wish it was… not even a vague shadow of what I would like. But, I have found what might be termed the grace to live with it as it is. Without hysterics, without emotional upheaval, without complete despair. The lack of those emotions in and of themselves, is a tremendous relief. So while I might experience them every couple of months, it is not as debilitating as it was when I would plunge to the depths of despair every two to three days.

So for now I go to quietly cook in the kitchen, while Gin and DarkRen finish the movie. I have three more days of his company before he returns home… still time to relax and the very last of the holidays tonight. All in all, a good day. And that is something to be thankful for, isn’t it?

I truly hope that this night and the year beginning is wonderful for all of you. Thank you for being patient with me, in becoming remote and hidden… and I hope that soon I can emerge again and be there for you, who are important to me.