The eternal question…

Why?

I am asked that so many times a day.. why does someones’ computer no longer work, why cannot someone get on the internet, when it worked fine only a few hours before. Those I can sometimes answer, but sometimes.. it is impossible. To know why corruption in an operating system happens, to know why a hard drive no longer functions. To know why for so many things.. we’re expected to answer over and over again.. and though I try, I just do not have the answers to ‘Why?’.

These last few months I have been asked why someones’ life is so difficult, why it is so hard to find a job, why they are never happy, why they cannot find love, why.. always why?

I wish I had the answers. I wish I did. And as I tell customers several times a day, if I knew the answers to the why questions, I’d be a millionaire. I could have my own tv show if I could answer the eternal questions.

Why is it that some people have a fairly easy life, when others struggle to breathe? Why is it that children die, when they are innocent, why are there those who terrorize, or murder? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there pestilence or disease, why is it so hard to gain acceptance? Why is it that some people have an easy time studying while others struggle to grasp concepts?

Why?

Why do I care for someone deeply, why can I feel the pain of another, why can I know caring for someone I have only known a short while? Why is it that sometimes someone can come into our lives and one can feel that connection, the honesty, when others haven’t been able to? Is it recognition for a sense of self or the safety of knowing that the other will not turn away and abandon you?

I wish I could answer these types of questions without causing more to be asked. I wish that I could diagram my heart, dissect it so that someone could see and nod, acknowledging that they finally understand all I’ve tried to say. I wish it were so easy.

I do not understand why I feel a certain way for one and not another, I wish I could understand why some can see behind the facade to the woman and see beauty where others turn away. I wish I could be what I once was, instead of struggling each day with what I am, what reality is.

Why is it that once Reuben could paint a woman that was renouned for beauty, and yet now women who are 23% below normal weight is considered the standard to become? Why do tastes change so drastically? Why is it that it is permissible for a man to be overweight or bald or not toned and yet women are pushed into becoming what is seen in the media? Why is it that some children can turn out to hate and hurt and rebel, when their parents give them all things possible, love and support, yet their children turn to a life of drugs and eventually die from such?

Why?

I do not know the answers.. I struggle just to come to terms with what I feel deeply about. I can only be who I am, what I am intrinsically, to try to be true to myself and my beliefs, and if someone comes into my life and accepts me as I am.. then be the best I can be to that person. That is all I can do.. but rarely is it enough, most often I am questioned on those feelings.

Because..

Because I grew to know the lack of love in my life, save for those few people who saw behind the scared and silent girl. Because in times of tragedy, there were those who offered care and help. Because when I have been downtrodden, others have offered their hand, lent their strength to help me face another day. Because I believe in treating others as I wish to be treated, with honesty.. with compassion.. with gentleness.. with consideration.. with kindness.. Because I can be and do no less than that.. for if I do, I betray who I am, and I cannot look in the mirror and know that I lived my day well.

Because I care..

Just.. Because.