Silence of words

Strangling, drowning.. yet words do not come. It feels as though I have swallowed too many words, yet they do not wish to come forth. Notes that urge that I speak, but what is there to say? It matters not how many variations of words I use, facts are unchanged, what is will not somehow translate to be what I wish was. Speaking of what is inside does not change, it does not purge or heal, any more than tears do. Nothing is different save for a headache from weeping or wondering how it is possible for one to use that many tissues for a nose that is then sore.

If that makes any sense at all, I have no idea.

I am numb. Dying bit by bit inside, going through the motions of what is expected. Working as I am supposed to, waking when the alarm rings, shuffling through the acts required. The words spoken are hollow, anyone looking into the eyes would either see deadness or pain. Slowly but surely I inch towards burying my heart, it is safer this way. It feels since last night and now that I have cut off a major appendage, a part that the loss of makes me less whole, less real. Surreal and nightmarish, the time between then and now. Seconds tick by slowly, so very slowly.

And when I am not required to work, perhaps I can fall into sleep on my off days, sleep time away, despite the nightmares. For daytime and nighttime are much alike. There is no comfort. There is no peace.

There is nothing.

Yet two more contracts at this site gone. One gone this last friday without warning, one other to be gone July 10th. With the site we are at closing at the end of the year, it is but to wait until the company whose contract I am on, finds an alternative resource for their support needs, that we will then be let go.