Peeking out from the shadows

So much of what I have written here is vague. I’ve done that on purpose, because I do not wish to cause hurt to another, to relay things that are private or to bring things too close to home. It’s been the cowards way out for me. by not writing too detailed, too involved, too intimate.. I could keep that part of me separate, another door that I could keep closed.

On one hand that has been good, I haven’t had to worry about betraying too much, haven’t had to worry that I might speak of things someone else would have no wish to have known. But on the other hand, it’s kept me from being able to speak at all anymore. All I was left with was writing of emotions when they would well up so extensively, that I could not hold them back any longer.

So I was left with writing nothing. And even now I’m not quite sure how much to relate, how much to keep hidden. The habit too long to break, perhaps? I have always felt shame for my emotions, that it is selfish of me to harbor them, that I can’t ‘fix’ them and therefore ‘fix’ myself very easily. And even in writing that, I cringe.. those were words T would have scoffed at my saying, he always thought I should be able to ‘fix’ myself appropriately. But I don’t believe the heart can be ‘fixed’. It will feel and beat as it will, irregardless of any thought or hope you might have.

Of course, there are those few individuals who can slow their heart-rate, slow their breathing. Truly disciplined to be able to control their bodies so well. I do not have such discipline and control. I have never pretended to, nor is it a skill that I particularly want to obtain.

Now though, I feel a need to write sometimes. This diary sits here for months without an entry.. and once in awhile I’ll look back to various times when I’ve hurt so much and have vented the angst that built to a crescendo. Those feelings not so harsh now, those words not mirrored in truth any longer. It makes me question whether I should write anything detailed. Once words are seen, if I spoke too much.. if another saw them.. I wouldn’t easily be able to take them back, not without a lot of patience and understanding on both sides. It’s a gamble and not one I have wanted to take. Not just for my sake, but for others’.

I feel that parts of me are turning invisible, a bit like I’m fading away. Not only in my mind and heart, but in my nature as well. Just how real can I allow myself to be?

I’m still undecided.. but I wanted to explain why I haven’t written of late. I’ve been battling this for over a year now.. but I have to make a decision sometime, I can’t avoid it forever.. otherwise it will be like much in my life.. forgotten forever.

RoseV

December 3, 2003

My dear, emotions are nothing to be ashamed of!! Showing them means strength. It means being vulnerable but at the same time, it means being strong. But then, sometimes we just need to hide what we feel. To protect us. But then, at some point, we have to let them out. Reading your entry, it seems like very slowly you have reached this point. Take it slow, baby steps. But even it took you a year

(c) it seems things are working inside of you and slowly allow them to come out. Just my thoughts… and a bit difficult to write them down in a note. Or in several notes. Controlling the body? It does not work. Not for long. Of course, and I know I have done that myself, for a while it is ok and I could pretend to be ok. But then suddenly it takes just a little something and I broke down

(c) Making a decision… Yes, it can be hard. Just recently I was fighting for some time which way to go. I cannot give you any advice their, you have to take it at your own time. But I hope you can sort it out and get some relief. Whatever you’ll do, just hope you’ll stay around. I miss you lots!!!! (((hugs)))

DarkRen

Write what you are comfortable with, dear. And know you can always ask for my opinion. I’ll tell you what I think to help. *Hugs*

~*Willow*~

*hugs* I’m just glad to see you’re still out there somewhere and that you haven’t given up on OD 🙂 Share your emotions, they are what make us human. I know I would love to read more from you. I have missed you dearly! Blessed be,

Karalys

December 10, 2003

Ah Sistermine, but your emotions and your thoughts are what make you YOU and what make you so dear to so many people here, and elsewhere. You should never apologize for any of what makes you YOU, and never hold back anything of yourself for the sake of others. You have a right to think and feel whatever you think and feel. Anyone who takes umbrage at your writings, instead of trying to (c)

understand why and how you feel what you feel simply isn’t worth your time or emotion. The whole point of the diary is to put it all out there for yourself, the benefit to being pseudo public is that you get to reap the support that is so abundant here among those who have so much to give, like Willow, and Ren and RoseV who’ve noted here above me. This place is for you to be you, and not for

you to think about how others will react.I owe you a thank you, incidentally, Heart-Sister, for bringing me to this place where I could discover the supportive hearts that are here. I owe you also an apology, for being so wrapped up in my own problems of late that I haven’t reached out to you the way I want to. I will do better, Sistermine, because I love you.~Kind Thoughts~

Pocket Rocket

December 23, 2003

I’ve been thinking of you. I hope you’re okay out there.

JournalThoughts

February 8, 2004