Independence for all time..

I spent Thursday afternoon through Saturday afternoon with my Mother this weekend. Having to work on Sunday necessitated that I return early afternoon on Saturday so I could rest before working. It was a very pleasant time, I adore my mother, and it was relaxing. I’d created a web page so she could view my stories, and the ones I am writing with DarkRen. I have not let her see my diary, because I know the past entries would hurt her, and I do not wish to burden her with the day to day fears that I go through.

Though in the past it may seem as if she is a harsh person, I know that I have written at times when things were not well, when she was undergoing a tremendous amount of stress, it was not an accurate view of the woman she is. For this I feel very bad, I do not wish to portray her as a depressed person, she has just faced much in life.

She has gone through more in her lifetime than I, so many things in her early years that would break most people. Abused by those who should have protected her, her father, uncles, grandfather.. contracting diseases that forced her to learn to walk again when she was 9 or so, to lose all her teeth, her father jailed later. There is much that I could write on the horrors she suffered, and yet she grew into a woman who is confident and strong, and kind, generous and outgoing. She is so different from I, to her; there is no such thing as a stranger, instead a friend yet to meet.

She has lost so much, her husband, her first-born son and her only brother in just a year, going through my cancer with me, though I could not live near her at the time. Having to sell her home to live in an apartment, living on a fixed income. Her health is not the best, she has hardening of the arteries of the brain, both feet are numb and she breaks her toes so easily. On her right foot, she has broken one 4 times, on her left; one has been broken 3 times. It hurts her for only the moment it happens, and then no longer pains her, because she cannot feel. Her balance is not the best.

I watch her, I see the grace she has in how she is with others, people are drawn to her, and she is open and giving. And I am so different, I hide away, I feel that no one will accept me, and she never fears that, reaching out instead.

On Thursday night she told me that I had been conceived on Independence Day, and I did not know. I knew it had to be around that time, but it still startled me. We spoke at length on things that I have written of before, of how I hurt because I feel I am such a disappointment to her, no children of my own, in a job that does not pay bills, so much worse off than I was even 20 years ago.

She was quick to assure me that my suppositions were incorrect, instead of the weekend being one that I dreaded, where I would need to be strong while she relied on me, it turned out to be the opposite, she listened when I needed her to, understanding and loving me still. I do not know why I worry so, save that it has always been my way, and I try so hard not to.

I wish I could visit her more, though my car not working well has kept me from doing so. I knew it was risky to drive down there, fearing the transmission would fail. And I was fine until 3 miles from home, and then it died. At least I was able to make it there and back again safely; I just wait now for word from the mechanics.

There is much that I am thankful for, friends that are here for me, DarkRen who helps keep me sane, my mother who is there for me as much as she can be. I am also glad that I turned that corner a few months back, accepting that I would be alone always. It has taken such a burden from me, instead of doing the ‘Why me?’ it is now ‘Such is life.’

My roommate is in despair at the moment, his shoulder going out of socket just as I was preparing to leave my mothers. 90 miles is too far to be able to go and take him to the doctors, and I had to push him to find a phone book to call to see if Urgent Care could see him. He feels that things happen to mock him, to spit in his face whenever he tries to see hope. I see an image in him of how I once was, and it grieves me, I wasted so much time doing the ‘Woe is me.’ that I couldn’t function, couldn’t lift myself up to fight and continue on.

Yes, life does have a way of surprising you.. and who knows, maybe one day I will be surprised, maybe I won’t be alone. But if it happens.. it happens; I don’t look for it, I don’t dwell on it, I don’t expect it, I just take it one day at a time. That is independence for me, freedom from the way I used to think and feel and fret.

Now if I could just banish the nightmares… I’d be all set 😉