Clarity of the Past

There are many times that I try to write in vague terms, things that will help protect anonymity of one that I might be speaking of. So few that know me in the real world read this place, and the one that I spoke of last does read occasionally.

I did not wish to hurt him (I will refer to him as A) with my writing, and yet there have been times when he and I would try to communicate that it became so much anger, so much animosity, and in the end.. so much a fruitless conversation, neither able to make the other understand.. or so it would seem.

A is my ex-roommate, someone I offered a place to live, a new start, to try to find his feet under him again and build a safe haven for stability. When first we spoke, we seemed to connect in understanding the pitfalls of life, of pain, of discouragement. We had talked of caring for one another, yet we also knew that since we had not met in person, after having been burned in the past, that ‘friends first’ was most important. What would happen after.. would happen, as long as friendship remained.

And so it was, never any thought on my part for more than friendship, each respecting the others’ privacy, to the best of our abilities. Of course, at first it was a bit uncertain, until I knew I had no need to fear that he would intrude into my private room, and we co-existed for several months without any great mishap.

I did not think in terms of any ‘relationship’ after he arrived, not because he thinks of himself as an unattractive person, nor did I think so myself, but because I wanted to be a true friend, not letting lines become blurred, detracting from my ability to truly help. At least this was what I had hoped to do.

In the end, to him it was a chapter in his life to tear the page out of, to forget. Bitter and angry words written in a flurry to one another, pent up frustration that each had held back, to try to make a final attempt to have some sort of understanding.

He was grateful when he first arrived that I was not in any sort of relationship, that he would not need worry of being around another who experienced any sort of closeness. As long as both were truly alone, then he was content. And I could understand this, for if the roles were reversed, it would have made me feel as a third wheel, he believes I did not understand this.

And yet, when I did acquire a friend (who I will refer to as E), someone to spend time with, do things with, outings and such.. A then spoke of his love for me, which I had no inkling of. Much had transpired over the months he had lived here, many months of him being unable to find employment, and then when he finally had, losing the job in less than three months, facing the challenging task of trying to find another one.

A had given up, so many times.. it took long hours of trying to help give him encouragement to not throw in the towel, sometimes his words would speak of suicide, and a bleakness would steal into my heart. The barrage of negativity hammered away at my soul, my mind, giving me a true illustration of what I had been like before, seeing first hand the effects that this can have on those around you.

I did not truly see this before, I would only see those who I depended on, needed to remain strong for me, drift away.. I thought them fickle.. shallow.. untrue. I looked into the mirror of my past, and I hurt so for the wrongs I have done to others. It was not their responsibility to change my life, but my own. Though I did not know quite how to, I did not see the path ahead of me, I did not have the tools to work with, and sought answers desperately.

They did not have magical words; it was not a fault in them that they did not. It was not a fault in them that they could not stand near. We each are a product of our environment, of what we have the strength to give, the wisdom to share. It was a fault in mine to burden them unendingly, until they had no choice but to take steps backwards, realizing that they would only fail me if they continued to try, to extricate themselves from the gloom that would encompass them if they remained.

To ask him to find another place, once he had gone away for a few weeks, was not an easy thing to do. I hate being one to hurt another, yet I knew that if he were to return.. he would hurt more. I could not provide the safe sanctuary; I could not provide a clinical surrounding. I saw more clearly than before how empty my life was, an emptiness of my own making.

A believes that E will be more to my life than he shall be, to argue otherwise is pointless, the assumptions A makes to give his own thoughts merit. Yet this was a catalyst, someone who sought out my friendship, someone who saw me day-to-day at work, saw something more than what others would. It surprised me so, that anyone would give the time and encouragement he did, saw me worthy of the challenge to break through the walls I built so carefully.

And so my writing here ceased, to try to speak of both situations was more than I could fathom, without breaking the anonymity that I strove for. Yet, this is a place I need to write in, when I feel the helplessness, the yearning to put pen to paper. And so.. I have begun.

There is much that I would say to him, much that I have already said so many times. But it falls on deaf ears, with his shields of despondency and despair, those same shields that I wore, re-reading of my past; I do see that I am not what I once was.

There is still so far to go on this path I have started on, just daily life, the struggle to organize, to have an environment I live in that does not seem so gloomy. It still overwhelms me so, so much I see that must be cleared away, where to begin when so much is there? Not just the practical aspects, but internal as well.. one day I will feel motivated and try to attack the chaos.. then another day I just need to regroup, so much happening when before my days were the same always. It is quite a change for me, to be more busy, to have things to do, or contend with, more health issues, a car that breaks down more than it runs.

Sometimes I just need to sit, let things percolate in my mind, in my heart, sometimes I need to just sit and let the tears fall, or smile when watching the cats play, or hear them purr. Times that I can spend with R, who has been there for me through so much, he’s been my touchstone, my strength in many ways. During so much turmoil in my life, he has been there and I would be lost without him; there just are not words I could use to express what he is to me.

On another front, work will change this week, tomorrow being the last day for a while that I will be taking the incoming calls for tech support. I will be training on Tuesday for joining the email team, with my ability to type quickly and explain things thoroughly; it should be a good avenue for me. Though E will still remain on the phones, I will be moved to sit in another area, three in the new group I am not that comfortable in sitting daily with, one that I have sat with before that will be easy to sit near.

And with that, I will stop writing for today, perhaps in the future I will be able to be more coherent, I hope that this helps make things clearer than they have been in some time.