Calm returns..
Part of me wanted to delete the last entry before I went to bed early Sunday morning. I was upset, a dread that had built up for so long, then manifesting itself into pure and utter despair. I kept it though, to remind myself later, these times that I hate so, that they don’t last forever. I liken it to what women go through, PMS, although it’s physically impossible for me to go through it again. I knew, a couple of weeks ago, that it was approaching, and somehow sensed that it would be much worse than it had been over the last several months.
That is putting it mildly.
This was definitely, the worst I have felt since Cinco de Mayo last year.
I try so hard not to give into it when it hits, I don’t enjoy being depressed or to despair, it’s not something I am proud of, times like that, entries like that.. all make me feel that I am being childish and foolish. Zedsgirl was correct in saying that I’m scared.. I am. I have lost much over the last few years, and I don’t feel myself worthy of being friends with others. It might seem silly, but it is still how I feel deep inside.
So I panicked, foolishly, as is often the case when I am afraid. I look for reasons why something will happen, instead of waiting to see if it will, because I want to be prepared. As another noted, Beware the Self Fulfilling Prophecy. And it’s not that I deliberately go out to sabotage any friendship I have, I don’t, I just get scared and begin to say or do foolish things at times.
For those who read the last one, I’m sorry that you had to see that, but it is still here, because as MoBetta reminded me, this diary is for me, and I chronical my life with it in some respects. So.. I have to be honest as I try to be in everything. Good and bad, I can’t and won’t just try to present myself as perfect and all that, I am faulty and make mistakes, I am human and have weaknesses and fears. I don’t post jokes and the sort here, I don’t describe what I do each day, because this isn’t a chronical of day to day activities, but a journey of my heart in many ways.
It’s a relief to feel that pressure gone, that fear dissipate, that panic to go. It was just a storm I had to pass through, though still damp, it is behind me for now. I hope it takes a long, long time before another passes through, and hopefully it will not buffet me as much as it did this time, and I pray that it is not something that will hurt others as well.
For the one who knows my fears the most on this, thank you for putting up with me and not letting me ruin the best friendship I’ve known.
Understanding is the key, dear. Knowing you, I know that all dark storms will end. Just given a little time, there will be light again. And in the future I think the storms will come less often as you grow used to them being ineffective in damaging your friendships. 🙂
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It is difficult to say something because I am in no position to really say something, but I object as I do feel you definitely worthy of being a friend. I know it is hard to act agains what you feel inside and in the end, I can only give my thoughts but I know that you have to figure it out with yourself. I can only try and be some kind of support to you if it is some kind of support, may be only
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(cont).. in a very small range here. And still I think it would be wonderful if we would have a chance to speak. It would be so much easier than writing it all down in notes. But then, we have to accept it in a way I guess 🙂 You know, dear. Even this is only the internet, I can only say I am so happy and grateful that I met you here and can call you friend.
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(cont) well, at least I hope I can. Even this is only the web, still, from reading your entries and your caring notes, I cannot help but feel it is wonderful to have met you here. Keep looking after yourself, hun, will you and yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe in it. *HUGS*
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Thanks for all your notes. I read them twice and yes, you said to many things that are so very true. My dear has always taken things for granted and probably things with him will always fail because he is not sure of what he really wants. Still, I know that in my hear, I still love him. Whether this is good or bad is another story. I know the Stranger deserves a chance and he will get it.
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(cont) Still, the heart and the mind are 2 so totally different aspects of me right now… May be I am stupid to let it get to me so much but I am far too sensitive to ignore it. He had such an impact on me when I first saw him, and even later he changed so much for me, I will never forget this as he will always be special to me. I know that this does not mean I have to ignore others but what I
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(cont) felt for my dear from the very 1st second I saw him is so unique, I cannot forget about it. I know I should treasure it and still give myself a chance to move on but it is so hard right now, so damm hard…
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oops, I just now found the last note, been a bit too quick with my reply 🙂 See, you never know and may be, one day, there will be a chance. Yep, the lake and the swans (I am amazed that you do remember them!!) and the music, my love for art and opera would be wonderful to share one day. See, life plays so many funny games, it might happen one day 🙂 And I know it would be just great to meet you
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oh and btw, the Stranger has such a huge love for the US, who knows where things are going … 🙂 Though actually I am somehow sure I would prefer getting a chance to talk to you without him around, may be we will get over one day 🙂
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ryn~ it will take a lot of time and yes, they will have to sort their lives out. Both of them. For my dear before I can even think about going for it and also the Stranger as I cannot handle a similar situation for a 2nd time, this is for sure. As for my dear and his impact. Yes, it was dangerous from the beginning and never did I think a man would ever have such an impact on me.
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(cont) I remember the day I first met him and all I thought was : I want him. For a night, a month or the rest of my life. I did not care, was head over heels in love from the very first second. Never believed in love at first sight.. until it happened…
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and still I know what you mean. A week or 2 in a year are no basis for a relationship and even he is working on his situation with the counselling and all that, I know it will take a lot more before I can think about it. Like you said, earning trust again. Well, I always trusted him but before I am going for it again, it would take so much and I do not know if he is able to give that
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but also with the Stranger, he has to sort himself out though if I try to be honest, it seems it is a better way to deal with it. Though, I told him I need changes etc before I am able to allow myself to go his way. *sighs* why is love so difficult???? 🙂
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ryn on swans: if only I would be a litte better with all the technical stuff (see, I am just one of these blond useres LOL) I might try and take a photo and send it to you. It is one of the most beautiful places and a spot which tells me why I live here. And I do admit, getting kissed at the lake in the night with all the lights is sooo romantic 🙂
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opera is something I cannot be without. Actually I am not even sure which house is near to where you are. Well, I am not even really sure where you are.. anyway 🙂 It can be very exiting (and addictive) but definitely worth giving it a try one day 🙂
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Know what you mean abt the Stranger. I have the feeling that if he is ready one day, he will be able to commit and stand behind me and not hide me from others. Which is something I am not sure my dear will ever be able to do. Ok yes, I met his brother, know some of his friends back home and where he is now and still… there is one question I will ask him one day, about his intention to
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(cont) fully commit and how to fully stand behind me. Will see how the answer will be…Thanks for the hugs, I really need them right now. I never thought I would be this confused again so soon when slowly I thought things would be going in a different way now. And I have to say sorry that I keep talking about myself all the time. You have so much going on, I should not be so selfish only to
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(cont) whine about my problems all the time. I am sorry, dear !!!! *big hugs*
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shame I only have the msn messanger (again, a natural blonde trying to find her way around it LOL) but perhaps we still find a way to talk some time ??! My opera friend just worked in Portland actually and for a brief a moment I had thought about flying over to see her but sadly it did not work out.
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well if it helps, I still have many complications going on in the future, I am very sure there. But no, it does not seem odd as I know what you mean. I do not really know how to put it, but I can relate and I know what you mean. Still, I feel selfish in only talking about my messed up situation but admit it feels wonderful to have you here, listening and supporting me so much right now
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And yes, I have this feeling that if I go witht the Stranger and when he gets himself sorted out, he will be standing behind me, not hiding me which is a very good feeling I have to admit that.
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I realised reading your last entries that things are quite rough for you at the moment and that a lot is going on with you. Like I said, I so would love to be able to speak and not having to try and put some comfort and support in 400 character notes. It is different when you are able to talk in person but as it will not really work out right now, at least there is this way to keep in touch
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*smiles* I know I have this ability to keep my IT dept busy and I know they curse me from time to time as I love to try out things which usually means I break the system 🙂 Anyway…
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RYN: thank you for visiting my OD and leaving a note. Glad you enjoyed the pics of my newest family members. Ive seen you note of Ren’s page and never come over here…I’ll be back to read more. Very happy to hear youve made it past that dark cloud. Its always when were in the middle of it that we cant see the way out.. yet its always there.
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RYN: lurkers welcome here.
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Thanks again for notes. You have no idea how much they mean to me *hugs* As for the time away, I cannot wait. It will just be 4 days but I know it will be wonderful. And I agree that now when he suddenly begins to realise I might not be around forever, things begin to change and he realises things he always took for granted but that are not longer ‘just there’. Ah well
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Hope to catch you soon for another chat. Take care,
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