And yet, another addendum..

I just wished to state again, that I am not contemplating suicide. It is not a path I would ever seek again, not something I could do to my family or friends. I know it is not an answer, for I have survived much already. Though there are times that pain is great, when I do wish it to all just be over, I will not bring it about by my own actions.

There are those I care for, those who add so much to my life, those that I wish only happiness for. I wrote the entry in order to help another who thinks of it herself, I do not know that it will or not, but others want the details at times, to know what would drive me to that.

I didn’t put in the gory details of my hospital experiences, I do not think it is necessary, for it was just part of the recovery process. It is a time that I am definitely not proud of; it is a time that I regret deeply. I do not speak of it often to my mother for I know how much she hurt afterwards, that I could do this. I do not think of it often, because I cannot face my thoughts of what it might have done to them, my mother and father, when I think of it, I hurt so inside, so much shame.

It is not that I feel I should be allowed the right to hide away from those thoughts; they are there always in the back of my mind. Yet all I can do from this point on is to try to continue existing the best way I can, so that they need not fear that I would try to be a coward again and leave them in that endless loop.

So for anyone who might have been concerned, truly, I am not even remotely considering it. I traveled down that road once; I never wish to go there again.