too often

all too often  i sit down with the intent to write and become sidetracked.
its hard to drum up anything really to write since im just drifting with the tides atm
i work and i sleep and i  spend time with lilman  and after he goes to bed i play WoW for an hour and talk to shoeshine and his wife and a few others i play with.
not a lot to talk about im trying to let all the crap drift away.

but last week.. i think it was last week. it feels like longer though. last week reality cashed a check for my best friend  mel and its bouncing sky high.
P her husband of 15 years has left her. he took the kids filed for a restraining order and  left her high and dry.
i know saying it like that makes it sound all very horrible of him  but there are  extenuating circumstances and details  of which  i dont  feel the need to go into.
but suffice it to say  that my ebb and flow is greatly disturbed  by my inability to help her in the way i want.
she was there for me when B and i split hell  i landed on her couch  when  i bounced. and as much as i wish i could let her  land on mine in return, i dont have one.  so  i find myself saying things like .. ‘oh honey i know its horrible’.. ‘i wish i could help’.. and makeing the ineffective supportive noises that i hate so much.  in reality i know i am a horrible friend because i know she has brought this on herself. but i cant bring myself to be honest with her and tell her the truth of the way i see things.  why break her heart even more?  she doesnt see it and she wont until she sees the full truth and im reluctant to  give it to her.  is it my own weekness that prevents me from doing this? or hers?  i dont know maybe both. i refuse to pull the rest of  the rug out from under her though while offering a supportive shoulder. 

i feel terrible about it. but i cant make myself  do it. to be the  posssible final straw. even though i wonder  if not doing it now  will just make things worse in the long run? theres no way to know or to tell.

why is it that the we hurt the ones we love so much, intentional or not when all we have to do it stop and think about the things we say and do  be fore we say or do them.  when youve thought about it long enough  how do you choose when any action you choose seems to be  a painful result?

10 years ive known them we’ve been thru ALOT highs lows in between and when i hit my lowest she was there
and now im  there with my hand out for her as she hits bottom.  i can only hope i can pull her back up or atleast offer somethiing to help her float.

i can only hope

someone  once said.. as long as you have hope you have something.

it seems lame even now  but its true
so i hope to give her hope so that she has something.
because even  your best friend doesnt seem like enough when your sitting in the dirt