this thing

what it was

i dont know what it was other then .. love gone wrong
not in  that horribly bad  it can never be fixed kind of way.. but it can never be repaired and made  to be the thing it started out as.  and im ok with that.  i still love my ex  i always will because love for me is not a thing i can just turn off and on like a light switch. but  i dont love him like i used to.. its changed.. its more of a friendship kind of love, but its more  because it used to be more. if that makes sence.

so

what it is…

is love gone wrong and repaired as best we can.  i cant wipe away 11 years and pretend that he doesnt know me better then anyone else in ways that no one else will every know me.  but  there are ways he should know me and doesnt  and thats part of what was wrong i suppose.  i know more about him then he does me  and i guarantee i know about his new woman then he does.. which is sad really. but its the way he chooses to be by not letting himself  be open and not fully trusting anyone. but thats not the point.. the point is.. it is fixed between he and i.. to a certain degree.  i cant say there isnt still a little hurt and anger but for the most part ive let it go … so what it is  ..is like a broken vase with a few pieces missing. just enough that it isnt what it used to be.

what i want it to be…

oh theres so much i want it to be. just not with him. i want to look forward to coming home after work  or to look forward to him coming home. whomever he may be LOL.  i want it to be love and respect and laughter and hugs when your sad and just quiet nights on the couch not talking  but just  touching hands while he watches tv and i read or vise versa… i want it to never be going to bed angry or waking up and sighing because its another day with him.  i want it to be sparks and fire and smoke with ice and rain and thunder.  does this all make sence? im not sure  … but it does to me. but most of all i want it to be mutual.  i never want to look in his eyes and wonder .. does he feel this too? because ill know. hell tell me and ill feel  it too. but theres so much more that i cant even begin to put into words! but its out there.. i know it is. i just have to find it.

namaaste

J