sunday looms

well after last nights storm ive spent most of my day picking debris out of my yard and thinking about this sunday.
lilman leaves for his dads sunday morning. ill be up at 5 and out the door by 6 and driving for 2 hours just so i can get him there the required 2 hours before take off. im considering spending saturday night at mels just so i dont have to get up and drive for 2 hours. but i dont know how well i can deal with her kids and the mess she lives in, all i can do is close my eyes and shake my head, i really dont get it.
anyway probably wont spend the night at mels but its an option and im thinking about it. maybe ill leave it up to lilman.
so hell be back on the 30th and i was supposed to go out with mel and stacey for new years, leave the guys at home with the kids and all that but i dont htink i will do that either. ive never been much on going out and getting drunk let alone going out and watching other people get drunk and stupid.
i talked to coach bruce last night when i picked up lilman from wrestling. lilman wasnt allowed to wrestle at last wednessday’s meet because of his grades. ( got an F in SS for not turning in homework ) anyway coach bruce mentioned that he talked to lilman about school and turning in his homework and ‘stuff’ and well stuff turned out to be the ex and i. aparently lilman still thinks its his fault that B and i are no longer together. im not sure how else to tell him its not his fault. the words ‘its not your fault’ dont seem to sink in. but coach bruce told him as well that its not his fault so maybe hell listen to him since he obviously isnt listening to B or myself.
my mind keeps drifting back to sunday. lilman is very excited. he wants to see his dad and of course to finally meet his new little brother. all i can do is hold my breath and hope nothing goes wrong. and believe me i can think of a ton of things that can go badly.. most of them involving one of the other grandkids saying something about B not being his real dad. its not a big deal as i see it especially considering that half the kids in that family are step kids anyway its just that we never told him never felt the need to tell him really but its still a little traumtic to find out your dad isnt really your dad. and that added to the issue he has with B and i be seperated… its been hard enough on him w/o adding that as well. ill tell him some day and itll be soon since hes almost 12 but not too soon. i just want him to be old enough to understand. any male can be a father but it takes a man to be a daddy. and ive got to give B credit for that he did step up when he didnt have to, and though we may have stumbled atleast hes still trying to do his best, even if it is from 2k+ miles apart.
even thru all that typing though sunday is still hovering in the back of my head. i hate sending him so far away and techinally i dont have to since i have sole custody but ill keep my promise because as much as i hate being w/o him for 2 weeks i know its harder on B to only see lilman twice a year.

how do they go from this

to this

so damn quickly ?

namste

J