my little secret

there is something about me that only a handful of people know.

i’ve never told my  family. well my biological family anyway. my mother would flip out and so would everyone else. so i kept my secret and told my extended family. namely my friends tht i have known for many years.

and now i have to make a decision about this secret.  i can no longer pretend it doesnt exist.

my secret?  its a tumor… in my brain.

i went to the doctor today. i canceled an interview and went to the doc instead because something that happened last night.
among the list of things this tumor does is cause ‘seizures’  its not like an epiliptic seizure… its more like my brain locks up. like your puter when you try to make it do too many things at once and it jsut sits there and goes uummm what?

they dont normally last long and i seem to function thru them  if im doing something when they do happen.. its like coming out of a dark tunnel into the sun  you blink and look around and  pick up where you left off.  guess my body has a pretty good auto pilot

but anyway… last night … i lost nearly 2 hours when i came back my nose was bleeding freely and wouldnt stop.. so that worries me .. a lot. and well it takes a lot to make me worry even about this.

soooo  i canceled my interview and went to my doc instead.  he immediatly shoved me into an mri machine and scanned my head.   and well  aparently its a mess in there. as if i didnt know that already LOL

so anyway… he gave me 3 options..

option 1.  surgery that will remove part of my brain along with the tumor and leave me… less then my sunny self  .. shall we say.

option 2.  leave it alone and possibly have a seizure that i never recover from.

option 3.  gamma knife surgery.  VERY experimental but free if i let them do it WOOT .

its some sort of laser.. they dont even have to shave your head or anything. its considered an outpatient surgery.. no anestetic or anything.  so now i have to make my decision.

and looking at those 3  i know it seems like a no brainer.  no pun intended there

option 1 leaves me taking boocoup drugs for the rest of my life and well leaves me with very little of myself or so it seems.

option 2 well thats just not an option now is it.  i still need to be here for lilman.

option 3.. well it seems like a miracle doesnt it?  no blood no gore no drugs just a little laser playing around in my brain for a few hours.  but its experimental… no guarantees  but then again nothing in life has a guarantee except life itself.. and its only guarantee is that youll die eventually.

theres also the possibility that option 2 will never happen.. i can jsut go on living with the little annoyances of this tumor.  migraines mostly  but there are the seizures and nose bleeds and the fact that i ‘lose my words’ .. lilman particulary likes this.. he likes to try and guess what word it is ive forgotten. ( cute but annoying and not the least bit helpful LOL )  ahh yes and then theres the stuttering. HIGHLY annoying but thankfully it doesnt happen very often at all.

i havent had the chance to talk to shoeshine yet.  but i can guess what he’ll say  

but the upshot is i can still keep my secret. just skip a day of work and go in and have the surgery, if i chose option 3 that is. 

really i think im going to.  i just needed to see it in writiing you know. to make it more real. although  i hardly need help in that department since im sitting here trying to get my nose to stop bleeding yet again. 

so now those of you who read this know my secret so shhhhh dont tell or ill have to  LOL

and now for your viewing pleasure!!

namaste

JMC