just breath

i just got off the phone with my ex.

he drives me crazy on the best of days and while today was a good day  it definatly wasnt  one of my best LOL

he certainly knows how to ruin a day though.

he told me he’s glad that  lilman andi are moving to  ‘bama. not just because he’ll get to see  lilman more (in theory anyway-  i have no doubt hell put no effort into seeing him more often) but also because he *drum roll please* misses me.  havent even been divorced a year yet. hardly even gave his new wife a chance.  i feel sorry for her really.  i could have told her it would happen. not because i’m so great  that im impossible to get over… pardon me while i fantasize a moment…   ok done.  no its not because of me.  it’s because of the kind of guy he is. 

actually i dont feel too sorry for her. just in a nebulous  that sucks kind of way, its one of those  you made your bed now you lay in it situations. the one i feel sorry for is the innocent bystander, thier son.   its sad 

shoeshine and i contemplated takeing bets on how long they would last. i should have bet! i’d have won 😛

so now my thought is this.

i’m going back to ‘bama to be with Kam and so that lilman will be closer to his father. but will it be worth it in the long run  if i have to keep fending him off?  B should know me well enough after nearly 11 years to know that a no is a no and nothing aside from divine intervention will change my mind.  aside from that  once you break my trust  you dont get it back.  he seems certain that he can. all i can do is shake my head and sigh.

there was a time when i love you and i miss you would have made me happy to hear them from him. now it just makes me sad.

so im sitting here  thiking of all this and just breathing. taking it in and letting it out.. ya know.  i wish shoeshine wasnt so busy. i’d give him a call. 

ah well… happy monday yall