its become just another day
today may 27th has become just another day. it used to be my anniversary, it would have been my 12th but now its just another day. i spent roughly 1/3 of my life married to a man that couldnt wouldnt and didnt make me happy. the details of why and where and how and everything else are best left in the past now.
i cant help but think.. shouldnt i be just a little bit sad? it wasnt all bad. and i can certainly look back now and remember why i loved him so much and i can see with rather startling clarity why and how and where things went badly wrong between us.
that saying about hindsight? yeah its true.
but as my twisted logic goes.. i feel bad that i dont feel bad for the passing of this day into just another day. i havent spent the day dwelling on this but it has poped into my head a couple of times and i have just shrugged and gone on with my day. which was.. a good one 
i spent the day with lilman and my mother and oly. we went to the timberline lodge and then to multnomah falls.. which are to say the least beautiful! but then again ive always been at a loss for words when it comes to the way mother nature has of making me feel totally small…. we also went to the fish hatchery and saw a really big damn fish! i cant think of what its called now.. but it was 450 lbs of fresh fish on the fin baby! 
but tangent aside… i cant help but wonder what B did today. if he even remembered at all.. im rather inclined to doubt it since he could barely remember it when we were married. i dont know what the point of all this is really. other then i guess ive moved on farther then i had thought. it feels good and it feels bad, well not precicely bad.. but not right either i suppose.
so a day that should have marked the first steps into another decade with the man i love, now just marks, nothing.
My theory is that emotions just are, and there’s no value in stressing about not feeling the right way, just try to understand why you feel the way you do. It’s a little sad to not feel a lot of significance, I suppose. I feel that way too when I look back. But it means the choices are done, right? And we’re ready to live with them?
Warning Comment
Remember when you were little and the thought of your birthday, Christmas or Easter filled you with excitement and happiness? Then you grew up a bit, matured some, maybe even found some disillusion and suddenly those days weren’t so magical. Simply put, the illusions you held about your marriage are now in the bin next to the ones you held about other special days. Sorry 🙁 … sort of. *M*H*S*
Warning Comment
On a lighter note, I’m glad you had a very merry unanniversary (yes, you should be imagining the Mad Hatter’s tea party ala Disney). Hope you took some pictures to help keep the day forever just in case that senility we’ve been coming down with decides to pop up again 😛 (when I say we’ve I mean the royal we’ve like both of us). Maybe one day I’ll even get a chance to see the pictures. *M*H*S*
Warning Comment