It’s not all so easy…

I’ve been humbled. I have been viewing my life through rose colored lenses, and now they’ve cracked.

My relationship with Danny is so precious to me. I love him. This is love that I’ve never felt before. None of my past "loves" even come close. This man is everything I want, everything I need. He really does complete me.

Our situation is strange though. We live 600 miles apart: he lives in Virginia and I live in Florida. He travels for work, which puts even more miles between us.

We have every intention of being together after my lease is up here at the end of June. We’ve seriously been talking about buying a house, in Virginia. I’ve always loved VA, and I really don’t like FL. It is something I am very much looking forward to.

But I can’t stop my mind from wandering. I’ve always had self-esteem issues. For the longest time I thought I was "supposed to be alone in life". I’ve never thought I deserved to be loved. I don’t ask people for anything, to do anything, to help me out in any way, because I don’t want to be a bother or an annoyance. I have serious issues with interaction bacause of this. I don’t know how to talk to people. I always feel stupid or out of place around people. I don’t know why.

Last night really humbled me. I’ve gotten used to talking to Danny every night while I am getting ready for work and before I go in. This has been my way of life since September of last year. Change freaks me out.

Last night I called his house. His mom said he had gone out with a friend to play guitar. This is something he does frequently when he is home. Not a big deal. Well, when I couldn’t get ahold of him on his cell, I freaked. Crap just starts running through my head: "Is he avoiding me? Doesn’t he want to talk to me? Have I done something wrong? Am I pusing him too hard, naggin  him too much? Has he finally had enough?".  This is what I mean when I say my mind wanders…

I was a mess, crying and everything. I finally got ahold of him at midnight when I was on my break. He called me, he was on his way home. He had done simply that: went out with his friend to play guitar! But, one of the drawbacks of living in the boonies is no cell phone service! And I fucking know this!

So I told him what was going on, and apologized. Then he said something that really hit me: "I’ve never been in a real serious relationship before. I’ve always been waiting for the women I’ve been with to hurt me", "This has been hard on both of us".

I didn’t realize how hard it has been on me. Distance is all I know in relationships. Each of my serious relationships has been long distance. I’ve gotten used to the struggle I guess.

I just need to be patient, and understanding.

I need to chill the fuck out sometimes!!!