Could it be? A serious entry?

Yeah, it’s true. It’s funny how I tend to do that, say that I don’t have much time and then a few days later, magically, I find myself with a bunch of time. Mind you, today I don’t have as much time as I usually do. Only half an hour or so. I can do this in a half hour though… I think.

I know I say this every time, but it’s hard to figure out where to start when you’ve taken a long break. I guess the main point of me saying this is so that I can actually synch my fingers and my brain, and then I won’t have to think of what I’m saying so much. Consider this the equivalent of a “connecting…” message — in diary form.

In any case, I suppose I’ll have to start way back. Sigh… it really is a long way back! So anyway, around four months ago I was on my way back to Kelowna (where I live) from Vancouver (where we have some ongoing projects). I was only supposed to be there for a couple of weeks but, due to delays in construction on the Vancouver projects, we ended up being in Kelowna for a long time. We’re essentially contractors for one house, we’re building our own 1.3 million dollar home, plus we’re trying to run our Masonry business. It’s been busy. This is supposed to be our slow season, yet I managed to find myself working 35 days in a row — the last week of which I got enough comments on how exhausted I looked to stop and consider that, perhaps, I may in fact be exhausted. I found you can really just ride the exhaustion as long as you never stop moving; something like how a shark has to continue swimming or else it can’t breathe (the exception being the Tiger shark and a few other freshwater sharks).

God I hope I have enough time for all this.

Anyway… so we got delayed by quite a bit. I had no access to e-mails and my phone was destroyed because I dropped it in the snow so I didn’t have any way to tell people this, and everybody was understandably distraught at my absence. Rumors of me being kidnapped by Cubans were abound. In any case, I finally returned and, for the last three weeks, have done my best to visit as many of my friends as I could, often sacrificing sleep to do so. Unfortunately, due to schedule conflicts I haven’t been able to see everyone I had hoped. Nevertheless, I’ll be back in a week (I’m leaving for Kelowna again today) and hopefully I’ll be able to finish catching up in the weeks following.

So as far as work is concerned, I’ve been making some decent improvements. I’ve learned enough about everything that I can be left on my own to complete projects which is nice. Still, I’m not particularly confident with it, I’m slow as fuck, and the quality level just isn’t where I want it to be. Things that aren’t really noticeable to people that aren’t familiar with the trade, but that still pop out at me clear as day. I know I’ll be good at it eventually though. It’s just a matter of practice… it just seems to be going slowly, and it’s quite stressful with the expectation to do everything fast and perfectly, when all I’m capable of is slow and average.

On top of stone masonry, I’ve also gained some experience with drywall, insulation, siding, soffits, and a few other odds and ends. It’s good just to have some experience in other fields, if for no reason other than just having the extra knowledge.

Alright, work aside, other things in my life of note include beginning the quest for a driver’s license — only seven years late, not bad — and moving into my own place… again. First, the license. I’ve been learning, just with my brother and I, in the ol’ F-350. Big vehicle but I’m okay with that. Some people would say that a vehicle that large would be more difficult to drive, but I guess given that it’s the first thing I had a chance to drive, I find it easier. It’s more forgiving because it’s less responsive. In my driver training course, I drove a little japanese car and it took me a little while to get used to turning, braking, and stopping, given that I was moving only about a quarter of the weight.

Speaking of moving weight, I’m hoping that when I move out I’ll be able to find a place in downtown Kelowna that will put me near a gym. Soon enough it won’t matter since I’ll just be able to drive around, but for the time being I have to walk everywhere, and having a gym within walking distance would be optimal. I’ve only gone once in the last four months, which is pretty much the longest break I’ve had in about three years. Honestly, I’m ecstatic about the chance to be able to have my own space. It all falls back to that saying, that one wants what they can’t have. When I was living alone in Vancouver, all I wanted was someone to be around and for me to talk to. Now all I want is to be able to have some time to myself. Silence, for once.

Other than that, we have my usual girl issues. Before I delve into that though I’ll take a step back and talk about the big picture. A few months ago I came to the realization that just about everything I do in my life is geared towards starting a family. Maybe that’s a bit of an oversimplification, but that’s certainly the way it seems. I mean, here I am, moving far from my comfort zone so I can make a lot more money… but, honestly, I don’t really care about having a ton of money. I’m perfectly content living just below my means. All I need are the essentials and the ability to go out occasionally and socialize and I’m happy. I don’t need a fancy car or all sorts of cool technology or a big house or whatever. One room, a nice pair of shoes, a computer that can play 5-year-old games, and some friends, and I’m quite happy. So why all the turmoil? Well, ultimately I’m getting money so I can buy a house. I’m buying a house so I can sell it and buy another, etc etc. Eventually I’ll have a house that I can pay a modest mortgage on and that’s big, good quality, and in pleasant neighborhood. Why? Because that’s where I want my (future) kids to grow up. There’s no question, I do want kids in the near future. And I want them to have things that I didn’t have. More specifically, I don’t want them to have to worry about whether next month we’ll have money for food or rent. I want them to be able to buy new clothes more than once a year. I want them to be able to go to school functions, to join school teams, and have enough money to participate in them. Not to say that I’d spoil them of course… I’m not really a spoiling type of person. I just want them to have a good childhood and providing them a solid foundation and a good example is just about the best anyone can do.

Now to narrow it down a bit. More specifically, I moved away to Kelowna because I knew that I just didn’t have the mindset to be successful in Vancouver. Mentally, I couldn’t get myself out of the mindset that I was stuck, that I had no options. It was almost like I was self-sabotaging my efforts to succeed by judging them as failures before I even tried them (which happened a lot). The reason I wanted to be successful was because of Nikki. I wanted, and still want, things to work out for us the way I had hoped they would. It’s quite possible that my hopes are futile (particularly given that she’s been in what seems to be a stable relationship with her current boyfriend for a good while), but futile in this case does not equate to fruitless. Whether or not Nikki and I end up getting back together, which at thispoint is entirely up to her and will stay that way until I meet someone else I feel I can develop a rapport with, success is success.

I have lots more to say but unfortunately my time here is up.