Bleh

This isn’t going to be particularly long or anything because I’m going to bed soon but I just felt like getting this off my chest.

I feel like, for pretty much all of my life, I’ve basically been dragged along by circumstance and pretty much just gone with however things were, instead of making my life go in a certain direction.

I still feel that way right now. Granted, I made the decision to go to Kelowna, but I was pressured into it as well — not only by people but I guess because I wasn’t really doing anything where I was either. It just felt like life was dragging me along in that direction.

Now I’m at a crossroads where I’m not sure if I should continue in the direction I’m being dragged along without resistance, or if I should break out of that cycle now. I don’t really feel like what I’m doing now is what I want to be doing. Then again, I also feel like that’s just an immature, selfish part of me looking at things and wanting everything to be perfect and being unwilling to just take a job, do that job, and stick it out.

The thing is, for the first time in a long time, I’m here where… I’ve got decisions to make that will be affecting me in the long-term. When I go to school, what am I going to be in there for? Will it be for Masonry, or will it be for Kinesiology? I’m doing masonry right now, and I’m being pressured — although admittedly the word “pressure” is probably a bit strong — into choosing that. If I DO choose that, I’m sort of stuck in that for the next four years, though. I mean, I could drop out but that’s not really something I want to do. And if I DID go and complete that course, it would guarantee me a pretty reasonable wage. Basically, for my future, it’s as close to a sure thing as you can get.

My other option is to do the Kinesiology stuff, which was really my original plan. Will it make me the same money? That’s dependent upon far more variables (such as my ability to sell myself). There’s a chance it might be hard to find work, or that I won’t be able to make a good wage, or this or that… not so with Masonry. But the thing is, I love Kinesiology, I love training and I love teaching other people how to be healthy or healthier.

But a big concern of mine right now is on the future, to get a home, to be financially stable enough so that I can raise a family and not get trapped in a lower-middle-class scenario. Ultimately, choosing Kinesiology over Masonry would be the selfish thing to do. It would just be thinking about myself, choosing the quick fix (doing something I’d enjoy now and not something that is far more secure in the future)… but I’m starting to get to the point with Masonry that I was with my old office job, where, despite being totally awesome, I dreaded going in to work each day.

I used to stay up really late because I just wanted to postpone the coming of the next day as long as I can, and here I am, 10:30 (late for me), not knowing when work is beginning the next day and still online… having just had four days off and still wanting more.

Ech.