should have been sappy.

i drove to work thinking about the sappy entry i’d put here about love and trust and those i’ve lost and those i’ve kept. i went through every soul in my mind, similair to the entry i read that started me on this mental roadtrip. i thought about the apologies i gave, the ones i didn’t, the ones i should have, the ones i did wrong and the ones that wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. and, here i am with not a single poetic thing to say.

why is that?

oh, yeah. because i fucked up. because i took time in my life to be a little-fvcking-girl a long after the time i should have grown up. because i lied to protect my own ass. because i wanted things i couldn’t have and would do everything i could do to keep it all. because i was a selfish little bitch.

how do i make a long story short?
i told her i was fvcking him. i told him i wasn’t fvcking him. i took back what i told her later so he wouldn’t find out i was fvcking him. THEN i told her i was fvcking her. i told him i wasn’t fvcking her. i took back what i told her later so he wouldn’t find out i was fvcking her. and then i lied to him and her so that they would hate each other and i could have it all.

if that didn’t make perfect sense to you, don’t try to figure it out.

the reality of it all, i wanted everything with none on the consequences. come on, now. you feel that way every damn day, don’t you? wanting everything but knowing there’s no way to have it all. you know that. and i worked my fvcking ass off to keep my world exactly how i wanted it. i was fvcking 18 years old. i made a mistake. and it blew up in my face. what a friggen shock. but, hey, i made a mistake..

just like you made a mistake kissing [him] in the back of his jeep.
just like you made a mistake fvkcing [her] after that party.
just like you made the mistake of letting yourself fall in love with someone you knew would hurt you.
just like you made the mistake of thinking of sex rather than your love.
just like you made the mistake of letting her look at your phone and getting caught out.

jesus. we’ve all made damn mistakes. i’m not saying the things i’ve done should just be tossed aside and ignored. no. i was stupid and i cost myself two of the biggest parts of my heart. but, it’s been 3 years. really, i looked it up. and, three years isn’t that long in the great scheme of things, but it’s a damn long time. and you can grow up a whole hell of a lot in three years. think if your sophomore and your senior year.. did you grow up? how about three years after that when you’re in the middle of the great college game.. had you grown up? and three years after that when you’re done with school and considering all that life has to offer – maybe even a family and kids.. had you grown up? i’m still a fvcking kid. and i plan to stay that way for a long damn time. but i sure as hell was a hell of a lot younger three years ago.

hi, my name is teresa, and i fvcked up relationships in college.
SHOCKER!
because that never happens in real life. EVER.

am i trying to justify myself? nope. not even a little. because (oh, yes, i’ll say it again), I FVCKED UP. i made a mistake. hey, so, have YOU ever cheated on someone and tried to protect your ass? of course not. i’m the only damn one in the UNIVERSE who has done anything of that sort.

so, am i sorry? yes. terribly. the loss of the two of them haunts me every damn day and i know i’ll never get that back. do i regret it? yeah. hindsight, though, dude. really, i thought i could have it all and i made a vallient effort in trying to get it. everyone thinks they can get away with murder at some point in their life. did i kill anyone? no. did i mortally wound them by betraying their trust. hell fvcking yeah. and i know it. and i’ll never forget it.

some would think that i’d spend forever trying to win back the trust i lost. really, fvck that. you can’t win that back. you can’t TRY to get someone to trust you. or talk to you. or be your friend. because, if you have to try it’s not real. and if it’s not real, then what’s the point? i was not real for far too long. and, really, that just sucked. so, i’m not going out of my way to write some sappy entry that might touch her heart. i’m not going to beg for forgiveness because i know it can never truely be had. i’m going to leave it at this..

i know every single one of my actions and how terrible they were.
i am sorry for every part of it, but i’ve no longer felt the need to dwell.
"if i knew then what i know now.." things would have been different.

and the reality is, those words are pointless. because everyone’s said them, and they’ve never actually helped.

so, why did i write this entry? i have no fucking clue.
do what you will with it.

sorry i couldn’t make it sappy.