It’s been awhile

Disclaimer:  This is a really depressing entry.  You’ve been forewarned if you proceed to read on.

I remember when I used to write sometimes more than once a day before I had kids.

I used to be so sure of myself.  I used to think I was an extrovert, but realize it was me just trying to be what was expected of me.  I didn’t realize until recently how much of my life was trying to “achieve” what others thought I was supposed to be doing.  Trying so hard to morph into it and to find out that later that wasn’t really what I wanted.  I was just wanting acceptance, but I’m just a little white girl.  What do I know about rejection?

I used to seek out friendships of the more “colorful” people, but to be disappointed in their lack of interest in me.   And realizing how unhealthy and toxic people they were themselves.

I used to try to pray away the anxiety and depression when I had a bit more energy to spare.  A lot of hard realities that have happened between then and now.  I am so disappointed with what life has brought my way.  I did what I was supposed to and a lot of it didn’t work out.  I am exhausted by not having a break in the storm.  It just lashes every day and some days harder than others.

This burning in my chest that is unrelenting today and has been for a while.

All of this is so exhausting right now.  My meds are up.  I’m exercising.   The kid’s distance learning is finally done.  I’m eating right, but b/c the world is all up in arms….I’m so exhausted from having to fight so hard to find some kind of peace of mind.  I should be feeling better, but reality is I can’t handle the world and more disappointment in the people I thought were safe to trust in.  I don’t know how to be ok with agreeing to disagree…even when they are screaming.

Right now there is no rescue from the pain.  It just keeps adding up.  Mom’s death, suicides, 2 autistic boys that need my constant monitoring…my own failures in marriage (not infidelity)..watching people that were once close friends be the most ugly people in the world.  My husband is worried about me, rightfully so.  Meet my psych next week…I don’t know if I should blame my anxiety/depression or weird period hormonal swings.

I have no desire to hurt myself…incase you’re wondering.  I just wish the onslaught of emotion where my body takes over would stop.  I’m so beat down right now.  This week was supposed to be relaxing and fun….it’s been hell on me as if it all waited till I stopped to attack.