February 13, 2006

Warning – This one’s for the girls

***Warning – This one’s for the girls, it contains whining of the female variety, all males be warned LOL***

Oy Vey!

Did ya ever have one of those days where a mirror sort of snuck up on you and showed you the fun house version of yourself? I mean absolutely cruelly, just popped up and made you go YIKES!

Yup, I had one of those days this weekend. I swear my face can’t really look like that can it? And those hips? Not to mention the back? OMG! Do I really look like that? Do I really have rolls? Where the hell did those come from? YIKES, and on pasty white skin? (everyone must admit, the less pigmented the skin, the grosser rolls look!)

The sad answer is yes, yes those blobs really are your cheeks. Yup, those really used to be your boobs. Uh huh, looks like a roller coaster don’t it?

I have to tell you, it hasn’t been one of those times of the year when I have been feeling bad about how I look either, I have been feeling pretty good about how I look. It was just suddenly looking up and seeing that my face is at least twice it’s normal size….and so is everything else!

It’s a sad state of affairs when you get the real idea of how you appear to others and want to scream and hide.

Now, I know this is not my fault as I eat healthy, (less calories than I should prolly) and exercise (more than my thin friends do), but I have this stupid PCOS. I KNOW that is not my fault….but how much does that really matter when your appearance is such that it is going to be a negative immediately upon someone else seeing you? Does it matter to that hot guy/gal you are checking out that you are not ‘having weight issues’ because you overeat, don’t care about yourself, are lazy etc? Is s/he really gonna see how you look outside and say to him/her self , ‘Boy, I bet she’s a really nice person, I better go over and talk to her in case her personality is exactly what I am looking for!’ We all know that is not gonna happen, we have had the stomach drop when a friend/family member tells us "Yeah, they have a great personality!" because we know it is code for buttugly.

So, now I am stuck. I can’t get the meds I need because I don’t have insurance…even if I did have the insurance it would not cover the meds I need because there "are moral issues" attached the use of these drugs…when I am not taking them for any other reason than to treat PCOS (I am sure you have all heard me complain about the last 2 years with no sex!) but at least it would cover the exam etc so that I could get a renewed prescription. The state will not pay for the drugs because I earn too much, despite the fact that monthly necessities like food, rent and gas $ to get to work take more than I earn in a month.

I hate being stuck don’t you? I hate it almost as much as I hate seeing this bloated and warped (but true) picture of myself. I must tell you, I feel very foolish and very depressed for having had a sexual interest in anyone while looking this way. What a thing to subject others to! UGH. (I am not one of those women that looks glorious when overweight) Too bad the state also will not pay for meds to treat the depression the PCOS and the fun house mirror me cause huh?

Anyway, to anyone out there that I have given that special look to, I am so sorry! I am sure it either made you feel bad that someone that looked like me was interested, or was very difficult to restrain the laughter I am sure you felt when you realized what look you were getting.

*This is somewhat tongue in cheek in case any of you were getting worried…but that should be obvious to those that know me 😉 *