Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad

Well, this is a Merry Christmas after all.  We are all alive, we woke up this morning and we can breathe freely (discounting any diseases we may have).  In my book that is a beautiful day and a true gift from the powers I believe in.

I’ve been suffering from the holiday blues for the first time in my life.  On my way to start my gift shopping this morning I just kept getting more and more down.  I really couldn’t figure out why.  I’ve always looked forward to Xmas, no matter what was going on in my life, it is a chance for celebration, a chance to reconnect…an excuse to call those friends you have lost touch with and even show what love you can muster up for family freely (remember, my family took the fun OUT of dysfunction).  I got mom’s gifts and went home.  I spent time with the dog and getting ready for work, and I came in, getting even more and more depressed.  I still didn’t know why, but I figured it might have something to do with not having Andy in my life anymore, as well as the season meaning more than usual to me this year, not being a commercial holiday and the commercial exercizes of the season making me wish we could forget it because it is a pain in the ass….anyway, despite this sounding so down..this really is a happy message.

I got the best Xmas gift I could receive today.  Andy emailed me.  It seems he took off to Georgia, not to the stalkers.  He did not mean he was working out his relationship, just trying to keep it from coming to a head between her and I (Just shut up SFO, I know what you want to say).  He said how he always wants me in his life, and if it came to her telling him he had to choose, he would choose me for various reasons.  If you consider, this is on a FRIENDSHIP level, this means something.

I have not decided what I am going to do, but even now I do not feel the need to answer him.  I love him dearly, I always will, but with these past 2 (or 3?) weeks thinking he was out of my life and searching to find my own rock to build my life on….well…it has shown me a few things about myself.  Like I can stand on my own two feet and build my own house and it won’t be a house of cards on shifting sands.  I think I quite like my life without that one thing in it taking up a corner of my heart, my attention, being one of my…demons.  I am ok without him in my life.  Yes, it is a bit lonely but it was when he was in it., not to mention scary as well because of the stalker.

I know I said goodbye from me, but I think I said goodbye for him as well and that is ok.   Anyway, it was nice to hear from him again, nice to hear I was wrong, nice to know he would choose me.  It wasn’t so nice to know he would only choose me under the right circumstances, the ones SHE set out, but there you have it.  He is what/who he is and I am what/who I am and that is not who we each believed of ourselves or each other….but that is OK, and that is the positive part.

© 2003 Lucid Dreaming