Best Friends

Ok, this is kind of a heart wrenching entry for me to write, so you all will have to bear with me while I jump all around and just make no sense….if that is indeed what I end up doing (I never know before I get started here)

I saw Andy this weekend.  You all may remember Andy.  He is the touchstone in a chaotic world.  He is the man that at one time has been everything to me a man can be to a woman he is not related to.

When Andy and I were together, I honestly loved him.  I desired him, I wanted to marry him, however Andy had done all of those things and did not want to do them again.  He ‘let our relationship run it’s course because he knew I would not be happy with him’.  Needless to say, I met shithole and that was the end for Andy and I.  (Andy is the stalkers b/f for those of you that remember that lil bit of craziness)

I have always hoped Andy and I would end up together, but of course I have always let him do his thing as I do not want to have him if he doesn’t want me.

Anyway, after spending time with him this weekend, I am still incredibly attracted to this man.  His mind still amazes me and physically he is still the same as he was then.  I still love the way his eyes are bright blue from the side, and deep grey  from the front.  I still love his crazy hair that goes in all different directions, and I still close my eyes and melt when he talks.  We still finish sentances for each other and seem to know exactly what the other is thinking as well as where the conversation will go.

Attraction big time right?!?!?!  UGH

I am not sure I can deal with seeing him again.  I know he is hurting after finally ending it with stalker.  I know it would be WRONG to try to jump in at this point (not to mention dangerous as she is still stalking him).

Now, all that aside, he said something about me that I really don’t like.  Apparently he told the stalker not to mess with me because I would say something to her for the sole purpose of "messing up your mind" like I was an evil person….granted, I may joke about saying something like that, but it is something I would never do.  It would be like kicking the handicapped kid when he fell, ya know?  So I was kind of hurt by this, but astounded that he would think something like that about me.

Do I really come across that badly?

He did tell me I handled the situation just right, but he sounded amazed that I did.

So, now the bottom line is that I am a bit hurt at that, but I still want this man badly.  I am not sure what I would do with him if I had him, but there you have it.  Hurt and desire are a bad combo for me normally.

So, I guess the question is what the hell do I do now?  I want this man as bad as I ever did (and that was pretty damned bad lemme tell ya) and I still want him as a friend but ACK…what the hell do I do?  How do I supress this desire thing and keep the friendship?

© 2003 Lucid Dreaming