It’s A Big One!

I havent posted anything in a couple of days, mainly because i havent had time, but also due to the fact that I didnt feel the need to…
Wednesday, I went to the local Music Club, for the Jam.
It was rubbish. very quiet, unusually =/
had my first three pints of guinness in over four weeks!
wasnt sure how i was going to react to the alcohol. i was drunk. but not stupidly drunk where i was acting a fool.
Tom was there, he was trying to persuade me to go over to his house to watch a dvd afterward..

I agreed. STUPIDLY (slaps herself in the facceee)
This was definitely not a good idea.
But my declination for sleeping on my own kind of fuelled it a little bit aswell i think.
We walked back to his, and he had full knowledge that i was due to meet Alan the next day.

He was drunk.
I was a little tipsy, but was sobering up quickly.
when we got back to his, we picked a dvd and i curled up getting ready to nod off.
when he started going off on one about why i didnt want to have sex.
bearing in mind. before this he was saying "no your seeing Alan tomorrow, you should save it for him" only minutes before.

THIS sparked off a row. i couldnt understand why i wasnt welcome there if i didnt want to engage in sexual activity with him,
especially as he constantly emphasizes that he LOVES me.
he told me to get "out of my house"
this was at 2 in the morning.
i was not going to walk home alone. etc.

so. i was a little angry, and slapped him on his bare leg, knowing it would scold him.
he reacted badly.
started grabbing my hands, throwing me about. shouting in my face through gritted teeth.
eventually, he had me on the bed with his hands over my mouth whilst sitting on top of me and shouting in my face…
at this point, his father walked in. and told him to get out, and threw him in the backgarden for he was "making too much noise"
i know his parents dont want to get involved, but if i walked in on my son clearly going off on one at a girl, i would go MAD.

his mother came in and by this time i reluctantly fell into a panic attack. all she said was "have a drink" and "you two shouldnt be together"
and when my phone went off "is that your other boyfriend?"
i wanted to shout at her.
no it was not.
it was an annoying boy texting me, even though i was not replying.
I was frightened, and wanted Alan or someone more than anything, but it was gone 3 in the morning by this point.
she offered to take me home, but Tom said no, "i want her to stay, if she goes ill never see her again, i love her, dont take her home"
through tears. i couldnt beleive it!!!!
he was like a child, in just his boxers, sat against a wall in his room crying, while his mum was sat there saying "i know, i know"

I KNOW its her duty to comfort him. and hate me. but not to agree with him for me to stay. he was hurting me and being violent. i didnt want to sleep in the same bed as him!!
so i went downstairs,
and slept on the sofa, with my clothes on and i left the lamp on.
i woke up with a blanket over me. made a cup of tea, apologized to his sister for waking her the night before, and went home.
he came over to my house later on, when he woke up.
my father made him breakfast!
little did he know he was physically and emotionally hurting me the night before. I wouldnt tell my father, or mother.
i didnt want to tell my dad because i know he would go mad.
i didnt want to tell my mum, because i didnt want to come across as vulnerable. and weak.
i think the latter explains why alot of domestically abused men/women dont step forward.
although my experience wasnt that bad. it shocked me, and hurt me!
you guys are the only ones im sharing this with.

anyway, me and Tom spoke, he showed me the bruise i gave him with the slap. i apologized but had nothing to show him.
unfortunatly im not easily bruised. this has stopped a woman who attacked me a few years previous from getting in trouble. as there were no witnesses or bruises.
as i was sat on my bed, he had a belt in his hand and started wrapping it around my wrists, at first i thought he was just having a laugh. until he was tying it tighter and tighter, i began thinking…
what. the. fuck. are. you. doing?!?!
I asked, and he said he liked it.
i laughed it off, remaining calm, then tried untying it with my teeth, until he started pulling my hands away from my mouth. and putting it behind his head. he then undone his trousers. by this time i was just like.
oh dear. this kid is gone in the head. what on earth is occurring here.
someone started walking up the stairs.
so he quickly untied them. saw the marks on my wrists, and kissed my wrists.
i stood up and went downstairs.

Im aware that "tying people up" is a sexual little fantasy that some people act out. but, this was against my will, and he was quite happy with it.
I honestly think there’s something wrong with him.

I went and met Alan at around 5 after he finished work.
and i was a little shocked as to how much he actually talks.
he talks alot, i barely said a word on the walk home.
This pleased me, Im aware that in the past guys have liked me because im enthusiastic about listening.
i love it, listening to their day. their thoughts about certain things,
it enlightens me as to what they enjoy and what they dont, and i remember everything.
I just wait until they ask me a question to talk about myself. or if theres a quiet moment ill say something about my day which will spark more conversation and opinions.

we sat in his garden for a while, and he bought some wine for me.
which i enjoyed.
we went and chilled in his room for a while.
when i thought. RIGHT. enough is enough.
we were kissing for ages, when i rolled him onto his back, and proceeded with some.. activity,
i wanted to know what made him nervous, and wheather he was comfortable so very slowly kissed him on the way… er down.
I inconspicuously kept looking up with my eyes to see his reactions, and noted what his arms/hands were doing.
he was stroking my arm with his hand, which was becoming quite sweaty, so i took it with my hand to calm him in a way.

so i proceeded with the deed. spent quite a while on it to be honest.
came back up. for some reason he didnt mind kissing me! haha
crazy boy.
I laid on his chest. when he said…

"Can i ask you a personal question?" 
in my head i was screaming NOOOOOO you cannot,. i dont want to hear if im shite, keep it to yourself! aaahhhh
"Yeah, course you can"
"well its not personal to you, more to me, i dont know if i should. its quite awkward really, but, um, do you think theres anything wrong with me, like, down there" 
I was relieved that it wasnt anything about me, but symp

athetic and thought for a little about wheather there was or not…
im 100% sure there certainly isnt, and told him so.
he said he was just paranoid.
and that hes sure he does…especially when he has a drink. which is where i went off on a rant: 

"so? so do most guys!! you know, theyll go out, have a drink. be WELL up for sex, get back, close to doing the deed, then fall unconcious, leaving the girl VERY disappointed. when he really doesnt care and just wants to sleep"

he declared that that was the exact situation hes been in before, twice.
he breifly explained what had happened. and i laughed and said well, your not the only one dont worry.
theres nothing wrong with you.
I know some guys who will not do anything when theyre drunk. they physically cant.
alcohol will have an effect.
and long term use of alcohol can actually cause problems, like impotence for instance.
i didnt mention this. but thought it myself.

so after this he went downstairs to get another beer. LOL
how ironic!

when he came back up, i wanted to establish that if he was uncomfortable with "sexy time" and stuff, that i wasnt.
and i was prepared to teach him, and make him comfortable.
so as his hands wandered. to my pride and joy!! i wasnt sure it was going to be safe!
so. as his hands fumbled around mindlessly. and grabbed it, and showed him what to do and said that it felt good.
he was more than happy to comply,
and i finally rested assured in the knowledge that no, he hasnt got that much experience, and im quite sure that hes now comfortable.
we spent the rest of the night cuddling, and kissing, and eventually i had to go as he had to be up for work.
however,
whilst i was there,
his mum walked in…
to inform us of Michael Jacksons death.
When i was doing psychology, we learned that when you are told about something that has an effect on you.
for years and years and years, you will remember what you were doing, where you were, who you were with, and what you were wearing, or in my case, what you were not wearing.
haha, im quite happy with this theory, as in the future and for years to come. i will remember Alan, and this night.
and of course The death of Michael Jackson. ouch.
I feel bad for his kids, and his siblings.
hes in my prayers. and so are his family.

so yes.

that is theee low down on the past couple of days,
ill be sure to keep ya posted and what not
but i feel this is progressing nicely! 🙂