I Want…

To Yap!
Ive realised i dont share juicy goss with my friends anymore.
Simply because we dont see enough of each other.
And because when we do. I think theyre too grown up now to want to listen to my childish rants about shite.
So ill Yap on here.
Quite contently 🙂 🙂 

I tried quitting smoking after being admitted to hospital on Monday. (Asthma Attack)
That was annoying, It refreshed my dream of wanting to be a nurse though 🙂
I went most of tuesday without smoking, got through work. easily without a smoke.
And i ate fruit and drank water and read the paper in the canteen whilst listening to Michael Jacksons’ tribute show on the telly.
I enojoyed my break.
Ive never done that before =/
But,
Im back on the Fags,
Im clearly not motivated enough, even though i have every reason to be.

Im also planning my 18th, as i may have mentioned before.
I dont like it. 
I dont want to.
Its only because everyone else wanted me to have a big bash. and i figured if they all wanted me to have one, then i may aswell, Afterall i didnt want to turn up to an empty hall, with a stupid music system and empty tables of food.
I agreed and decided to plan it and what not.
which is bad.
Im unorganised, and leave everything to the last minute, especially this, as i dont want it!

im excited about it, only, im feeling for the guests,
noone will know anyone.
i think its all going to go horribly wrong, which, of course, is NATURAL!
aaaaaaah!

Another thing plaguing my mind.
You remember the entry i wrote, about Tom, Buying me that Orchid.
Well,
Alan.
Bought me one.
A BEAUTIFUL one.
I gasped, and smiled, and kissed him. It’s truly beautiful.
Im looking at it now.
I now have 3 orchids.
I hope they dont stand for death or anything! haha!

Alan also wants to go public in work.
NOT sure if i wanna do that really.
I get alot of stick off people about my name. "Maureen"
I dont care, i never have, its MY name, and when people say "Maureen" they think of me. not an old lady or their grandma or whoever.
For some reason. with this "relationship" if you can call it that, with Alan, i worry about it.
Mostly because his friends have never met me, and know me as just "Maureen" and whatever their memory of "Maureen" conjurs up.
I worry that he gets stick because of it.
A particular guy at work found out about us, and forgot my name and called me Dorothy, which isnt bad i dont think, only he keeps saying it to Alan. as a piss take.
We call him "squinty"
and i always forget his name. so this is how the next conversation with him will go….
Me:- Alright Squinty 🙂
Squinty:- Um, what?
Me:- Well you forget my name and call me Dorothy, I forget yours and call you squinty. Deal? 
Squinty:- *Squint, Squint*
Ive said Squint so much, it looks like a weird word, and i wonder who invented it and start to question whether or not it is a word now =|

Enough about Squinty.

Im seeing Alan tomorrow in work, and we’ve agreed to have lunch together and go to the train bridge to sit and eat.
That should be nice 🙂
I hope i can cheer him up. He hates work.
I finish at 7 tomorrow.
and at half 8 im supposed to be going to Devon with The Hot Musician.
I forgot what his alias was on here XD

For some reason im worrying about this trip.
Its come out of no where, its two hours away, and were staying the night.
Only a week ago i told him that things between me and Alan were getting serious and i wasnt sure we could see eachother anymore.
Im racked with guilt each time i see the Musician now. even though me and Alan arent EXCLUSIVE.
I think i have every reason to feel guilty.
But it seems nice, he said we can sit on the cliffs and drink wine.
Ive read in the papers about people falling off cliffs there. so i said that "Alcohol, Cliffs and Sea werent a good combination"
So he said we can go for a stroll instead,
this all seems a bit, romantic for "Friends with Favours"
Although im sure hes clear about where we both stand, and that theres no way he could see us as an item together.
I do ponder sometimes though about what it might be like if we were.
I think im in over my head.

I need to stop now.
I need to spend time with Alan and only Alan and see where it will go.
I think i might be insecure which is why i insist on seeing two or three guys at a time.
Im scared to be with one in case i lose them,
and am left alone.
Theres more risk of that happening with me seeing two or three guys at a time though =/

Hmm. Room to ponder.
I have my Driving Mock next wednesday,
That should be interesting.
THEN
if he says im ready, That means i book my test, and it will be one week before my birthday i take it and quite possibly fail.
NO PRESSURE THERE THEN!!!

My shoulders are hurting me alot lately, i dont know why, they just really hurt,
And the muscles in my abdomen.
I also think i have artheritis setting in.
I was walking home from work the other day when i felt a searing pain in my hip. it made me LIMP! 17 AND LIMPING!
then it went down to my knee aswell, THAT fecking hurt.
arghhheeeargh!

Tonight ill go to bed thinking/worrying about tomorrow.
I have a feeling on this bridge, ill bump into someone who will know about me and The Hot Musician. and say something in front of Alan.
That would be bad times.

Im no longer drinking Coca-Cola, still Yipeeee! 🙂
And im eating fruit pots for my breaks at work!
Need to get rid of all those yucky toxins!
My skin feels softer anyway!!!

My sister is meant to be moving out on Monday,
into this druggy hostel place, which is not for her, i know its not.
She wont have money until at LEAST two weeks of being out of her parents home.
How will she eat? she says McDonalds,
What will she do? She says she’ll twiddle her thumbs.
Shes a NOB! and will come crawling back with her tail between her legs and her head bowed low.
I have much hope for her if she had a JOB and a plan, and a brain? 
Oh dear.
Im going to use her experience and learn from it. most i can do really.

Im also gunna see if i can upload vids and stuff. that should be fun.
I might also wanna go to bed at some point.
Horrid work tomorrrow, which im dreading in case they do a massive group meeting. I do not want to be there. Far too anxious for me to be there. Too many people. Not happening.
Anyone asks me a question….
"Maureen, What do you think?"
"Time to Goooooooooooooo"  *Turn on my heel and walk off*

On that note,
Im off 🙂 <br

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Ill be happy to read your entries knowing your reading mine, and offer my, at times, varied opinion 🙂
Much Love 🙂