A Continuation…

Last Night…

After having a little rant on here to you b.e.a.utiful people….
My Stress levels were slowly inclining. mother screaming over my shoulder.
she eventually went to bed.
my bed.
which is when i heard her shouting:
WHAT? WHAAAAT? WHAAAAAAAAAT?

I run upstairs and demand to know who on earth shes talking to. shes confused and drunk of course.
"Oooh i just had a nightmare…*sniffle* someone was asking me what number coffin i was in. and before that i saw a white lady, ohhh"
Immediatly. i put it down to the alcohol, it can induce some nightmares at times.
or hallucinations. although alcohol is not a hallucinogenic. she hallucinates often, due to her lack of nutrition and food i put it down to.
 

This was after i had a breakdown downstairs, after everyone eventually got settled and the "family friend" went home..
I was angry and shaky. and tearful and just felt totally hopeless.
At this time when mother was downstairs… i was speaking with Alan.
on msn.
where he began telling me WHY… (eventually, thank God!) we never actually did anything.
it just made my confusion WORSE and my stress levels increase further.
"This whole sex thing…. im just weird or/and not comfy with it" 

which was totally fine, i said, ok so should i like back off a little with the intimacy?
"Nooooo you totally shouldnt because i want to. 100%"
um ok? 
but you said you didnt? 
"Yeah ive got issues, stuff in the past relationship. cba to go into it."
"I thought i should tell you because i think that YOU think I dont want to"
Yeah i kinda thought you were like "EEEEWWWW no!! not in a million years Love. Jog On"
"Ah Nooo not at all, Everythings totally fine when im with you, im totally up for doing stuff with you."

Oh dear, this conveyed sweet fuck all valuable information to me. it left me lost and more confused. and i couldnt even hear myself think. so i made a quick exit.
shut down the laptop. and stared.
when the tears began to well up. my heart was going crazy, i was shaky, i didnt want to sleep and it was 3 am. i did not want to be alone. Lonliness is the worst thing in the world…
So. i logged back on.
It Went Like this….

"Alan… Im a Mess :("
"What? Do you want me to meet you?" 
So for like twenty minutes we argued about how he should not ride the 45 minute trek to mine in the rain.
eventually, he won. and said he would be there sooon.

I cried some more. about how pathetic i am, and how im losing the strength ive had over the years.
I feel as though im plummeting thousands and thousands of feet through the air and can see the disaster below. but there is NOTHING. i can do to stop it. Total helplessness.
the tears kept flowing.

I thought he would be around my area by now so i grabbed a scarf and my coat and ventured out into the rain, where i saw him riding round the big circle in front of our house. It made me smile how he was so carefree and blissful 🙂
Unfortunatly for me. he arrived to hug me under a streetlamp. and so my face was lit up with mascara covered eyes, and tears trickling down my cheeks.

NOT A PRETTY SIGHT LADIES! not a pretty sight.
i contemplated jumping into the skip in front of my house and bury myself and cry myself to sleep. but thought snuggling with Alan somewhere would be far more delightful. 🙂

We went around to the garages across from my house.
This was my little hang out when i was a young girl, we used to stand on top of the garages and pretend to be on stage singing songs and dancing to all the world. Oh how i didnt imagine years from now i would be sobbing on a beautiful guys shoulder about how my life is falling to peices.
We went there. and he hugged me tight. I held in all the powerful emotion as he hugged me. But the emotion began to consume my body. i began shaking. and my throat hurt so much from holding in the powerful emotional screams from my soul.
I took a deep breath, looked at him. then tucked my face into his chest as i sobbed.
after a couple of seconds i tried to wipe my face conspicuously so he wouldnt see my vulnerability. However, hes a smart lad and took hold of my chin, directed my face towards his, and our eyes met.
i felt ashamed of my tears. my eyes tried to wonder anywhere but his.

This is the point where i know there is something wrong. As he was holding me tight, trying to comfort me. i wanted to break free. i wanted to tell him to go away, i wanted to shout at him, and kick and scream and tell him to leave me alone. to stay away from me forever. This would be a way of redirecting my sad emotions into anger. and blame. onto someone else. which if i refer back to in one of my entries, i apparently done so when i was drunk.
But i didnt. I forced myself to relax, and feel his comfort.
He asked what he could do for me, My reply was "Just be here"
He also asked if i wanted to talk about any of it. I shrugged my shoulders.
he asked again, and i said i dont know.

after a few minutes we sat down, i sat next to him and took his hand.
I took a deep breath, let a couple of emotional sighs out and began…
something along the lines of….
It Happens ALL the time, its not fair. I cant do this anymore.
He said a couple of things mainy irrelevant as at this point he did not know what exactly i was talking about.
Eventually i carried on…
Talking about how my parents dont care. how i have to sit back and watch my mother die, there is nothing anyone can do. and it hurts. so soo much, physically, let alone emotionally. How i used to be so strong, and now im losing it. How ive been kinda intentionally avoiding alcohol lately because I know at this point in time it WILL make me vulnerable to becoming an alcoholic. How nobody understands. and how i just do not know what to do.
He said that I am strong, and even the strongest people have moments like this. He mentioned how a couple of people said something about my home life. (which made me wonder most of today) and how he always thought that i was a  strong person, how i’m only 17 and am more independant than him. and he’s 23.
He mentioned how i only have times like this seldom, and i have alot to deal with, and he’s ALWAYS like "this" and hes got "fuck all" to deal with.
Its just a matter of person to person, each to their own i think. But this was his opinion and i was listening.
Although this is not what i wanted to hear.

I didnt want any of the "your strong" business, because. I know. I am. I try. But right now. Im not. and telling me i am is just contradicting the situation itself. Im clearly not. I dont want people to pick me up brush me off, and help me take another

step.
i want a listening ear.
I was so so so greatful for him being there.
its far better to have someone, and it was even better to have him.
I knew i could trust him.
I just didnt know if he could handle it…
I didnt know what would be plaguing his mind on his journey home.
And because i didnt know… I was scared.
we’re all scared of what we dont know, or understand.
I went into the house and went up to bed. had to sleep in my younger sisters bed as my mother was in mine.
I was awoken many a times with her exclaiming my older sister was in the process of death and that i must go downstairs and check that she is home.

I got to sleep at around half five.
I kept thinking that maybe I have made myself vulnerable.
 

I Have Never released my emotions like that out to anyone only my best friend. and that was well over three years ago.
My ex boyfriend Tom, I told him nothing. My emotions were well guarded to him.
I feel someone has control over me if they know my emotions, what makes me sad and what makes me angry.
they know my weaknessess.
He said he wanted me to go round his today, and i was to have a loong bath, and he was going to give me back rubs and cook me food.
This was such a nice thing for him to say, and a very good offer 😉
However, this took away my feeling of independance, that someone was taking care of me. It didnt sound very appealing. However, he told me that sometimes, there comes a point in familys where you do have to stop looking after others and look out for yourself. because at the end of the day, you have brought them up and then they go off and live there lives.
Then youve missed out on yours.
And you have to pick up and start off at square one. for yourself.

Even if i did want to go round his today i couldnt.
I was awoken by father at 11 for work, as i had requested before i hit the hay.
I was in fact meant to be IN work at 11 doing a couple of hours overtime.
But i decided i COULD NOT be arsed. and will start at my usual time of 1.
I exclaimed. "I DONT WANT TO GO TO WORK. I CANT TAKE IT DAD… IM A MESS" 
however, i scrambled out of bed. and had some breakfast and arrived at work LATE.

Tired. There i was told i had to be in work tomorrow. To run our department as noone else was in.
Oh dear. I HAVE NEVER RUN THE DEPARTMENT BEFORE.
i was not up for this at all.
But reluctantly i agreed and haggled to be in at ten rather than 8.
BASTARD!
My mood was lifting throughout the day. and i was upbeat and happy they requested me to run the department 🙂
HOWEVER, as my shift was ending…
I got talking to a good friend. about life.
she was on the till
and she asked the customer she was serving at the time if it was ok for us to talk.. the customer said yes, and that she was interested in our gossip.
So we were chatting away, when eventually i said i must go.
She began to beg me to do some overtime for her. when i began my rant of "i cannt im doing so much already"
we said goodbye to the nice and cheerful customer. when the NEXT customer BARGED in front of me spluttering :
"It’s MY turn to get served now… NOT yours. YOU are rude young lady, VERY RUDE."
I calmly replied "Um OK", and turned to wave goodbye to my friend.
as i went to walk away…
"NO NEED TO BE SARCASTIC, NO, no, im making a complaint now. whats your name?!"
By this time, my blood was on the boil. this disgusting posh toff was shouting at me in front of everyone for nothing.
yes nothing.
I was leaving. I WAS NOT talking when SHE was being served. and i certainly wasnt sarcastic, i just had an unsure tone in my voice as i was confused by her irrational behaviour. I sooooo wanted to argue. VERY much. i wanted to shut that fat mouth of hers for humiliating me for no good reason whatsoever,
BUT
"the customer is always right"
FUCK OFF.
not when we get treated like dirt becuase theyre earning millions. I will not be ridiculed in front of my co-workers. full stop.
The customer is WRONG in that case.
so. i strolled away, some guy from checkouts pulled me aside to ask what was up…
he should not have done that.
it all came rambling out and i was shouting and saying how she was a bitch, and customers were looking. so i turned and said, fuck this. im going home.

After calming down in the toilets, and clearing out my locker. and having some water, i ventured out to find something for fathers day, when a supervisor from checkouts who clearly has a grudge against me exclaimed that the customer made a complaint to Richard, the manager. who wanted me to run fresh for him tomorrow.
Dum. great.
As i passed the guy who was trying to calm me before, he mouthed "NO COMPLAINT" i told him that someone already made me aware that a complaint WAS made.
I apologised for getting lary at him. and he said it was fine.

Im fairly chilled now. kinda.
Im going to begin writing my notice now.
(as im leaving to begin an apprenticeship in Health & Social Care very soon)
Im going to have it ready for tomorrow.
Im going to go into work tomorrow. do a good job, and If and When he calls me into the office i shall first hand him the letter and let him proceed with the bollocking, full in the knowledge that i do not care. afterall i will be gone soon anyway.

Feel free to share your thoughts on my eventful day so far…
Much Love 🙂
~x~