More Brad

I went on a walk last night and "Two Is Better Than One" came on my iPod and I cried for probably an hour. I walked by the trail on the lake and fell apart on the dock like a child. I couldn’t stop crying; I’ve never felt such a horrendous emotional pain before. It felt like he was already gone. Like he had already killed himself. I just thinking about what his funeral be like, and what people would say to me afterwards, and what they would think of me. I wondered if anybody else would be as sad as I am, and if anybody would even show up, or if people would just be happy that he was gone. It the most horrible feeling in the world.

When I got home, I got ready for bed and laid on my bed and starting writing in my Brad Journal. This is when I want to talk to him, but I refuse to call or text him first anymore, so I write in this journal, and pretend that I’m talking to him. I got about 2 sentences into it and my phone rings. It was him.

We talked for about 45 minutes. He told me that he dumped his bike and cut up one his legs really bad and has like 2nd degree burns on the calf of his other leg. He was telling me some stories about people there, and how the girl that he dated for like 2 weeks might have AIDS and he’s so glad that he didn’t do anything with her. Just a bunch of random stuff. He sounded tired, he kept yawning, but he also just kept talking. And I let him. It was a nice talk. Some unpleasant topics were discussed (like there always are): Heidi and Alex, but for the most part, it was all good. He asked me when I was going to be hanging out with Alex and said that if he gives me any problems with the bike that he will go there and get it himself (which will only happen over my dead body, because he’s not going back to jail, that’s what would happen if those two saw each other). I’ll probably be going to Alex’s either tomorrow or Friday, and then sometime this weekend, Brad and I are going to make arrangements to get him the bike. It will probably consist of me driving to his dad’s house (which is only like an hour away) because he’s spending the 4th of July weekend there, and he’ll end up giving me gas money. So yeah. We probably won’t be hanging out or anything, but when I go down for Amy’s wedding (if I get off on Saturday and Sunday), we should have some time then. That’s in like 2 weeks, so it’s all good.

I remember when 2 weeks seemed like forever, but now it seems like hardly nothing. When I would go to my dad’s house every weekend and Brad lived in that town, I would go to my dad’s on weekends, and just being at my mom’s for 5 days (that was before I had my licenses) and not being able to hang out with him seemed like forever. But on July 5th it’s going to be 3 months since we’ve seen each other. I will actually be seeing him probably on the 4th, so it won’t be quite 3 months, but it’s darn close. The longest that we went was when he was in jail, which was like a week short of 5 months. It doesn’t seem like it’s been as long as what it has. It seems like I just saw him yesterday. So I don’t really miss him. I mean, I want to see him obviously, but it’s not like I’m distraught over the fact that I haven’t been able to see him. It’s odd.

After we hung up, I knew that I was going to sleep soundly. Whenever he says my name, it just gives me a sense of comfort. Like how some people will say, "Okay, I’ll talk to you later" like right before they hang up? He says, "Okay, I’ll talk to you later, JoJo." That probably sounds really retarded, but I just love when he says my name. It just is so comforting to me. But anyway, like 5 minutes after we hung up he texted me:

B: Send me a pic

J: Of what?

B: Up to u

J: Do you want a picture of me or just a picture of something?

B: You

J: (sent him one) What was that for?

B: When you call

(I never call him)

J: You already had one for that. Unless you deleted it.

B: It was old.

J: Lol okay

That was really strange too. Strange is a good way. I don’t know. I saw my therapist today and she said that she thinks he suffers from borderline personality disorder. So she gave the name of a book and I came to the library to check it out, but it’s at different library, so I put it on hold. Maybe after reading that I will be able to better understand some of the things that go through his mind.

There’s more I could say, but the library is closing in 5 minutes.

I’m sorry that I haven’t noted in a couple of days.

I promise that I will get on that tomorrow.

Thanks for everyone’s support the other day.

It means a lot to me.

<3