And This is Why I’m Done

Even before I lost my baby, she was incredibly flaky. We have been friends for 13 years. She just randomly disappears off the face on the planet for weeks/months at time. You will send her a text/Facebook message, and she just never gets back to you. Then forever will go past, and she’ll be like, “I’m so sorry – I’m just bad at communication” blah, blah. We will talk for a few days/weeks, and then it goes back to what it was.

She was one of the only people that I told that I was pregnant. She texted me on the day that I found out I miscarried (because she was looking at the calendar wrong, and mistakenly thought it was my birthday). I called her and told her what had happened. She kept saying, “Oh my God, I don’t even know what to say.” I had already cried my heart out for the past few hours, so I was ready to be pissed off. I took the opportunity to talk about people who can’t support their kids financially and emotionally. People who are on drugs and rely on other people to care for their kids, but then someone who actually wants a child and could take care of one just fine, this happens to.

As soon as I started talking about this, I realized that I was talking about her. Well, not HER, but she was in a bad situation for a long time, to which the things that I was bringing up applied. Her daughter’s father was a junkie; after so long together, she eventually joined him in his venture. She was living with her parents, unemployed, for an extended period of time. I wasn’t meaning to say that she was a bad parent/didn’t love her daughter. I wasn’t even thinking about her – I was really thinking about my clients. You know, the people who we can’t get paid because they have 3 child support liens on their uninsured 2016 Porsche that they bought with drug money? But I realized too late that a lot of my generalizations applied to her.

It has been six weeks, and I haven’t heard a word from her. However, I don’t believe its because of what I said. She probably didn’t even put two and two together. Like I said, she has ALWAYS been flaky like this. I haven’t reached out to her, so for all I know, she could respond right away. So maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe she is upset about what I said. Maybe she’s not, and she would respond instantaneously if I were to reach out to her.

We have been friends for over half our lives, but for the past 6-7 years, she has been really difficult to get in contact with. Whenever I try to get in touch with her, it reminds me of the 2.5 years that I spent as a teenager chasing a guy who only wanted one thing from me. Why do I consider this woman one of my best friends? Why do I get so excited when she texts me finally, knowing that I have to respond quickly otherwise I might not be able to get ahold of her for another two months? There’s something wrong with that relationship. And I have known it for a long time. But I didn’t care, because I love her like a sister.

I know that she’s around, because she’s posting shit on Facebook every few hours. Let me get this straight. You have your phone on you pretty much constantly. And in six weeks time, you never once thought to call/text/message me? Yes, you might not know what to say. But how about something. Anything. Just so that I know you’re there.

My. Baby. Died. The baby that you were “SO” excited for me to have. You called me squealing when I texted you. You told me if I ever needed anything, I should go to you. Per usual, you made a bunch of plans/promises to come down and see me. You told me if I ever needed anything, you were going to be “that person” for me (your words). And, per usual, you always had a reason while you had to cancel/reschedule. You never did end up coming down. And now, you couldn’t even be bothered to check in.

For the last several years, I have known how she is. I know that she is not reliable when it comes to getting back to me or even keeping scheduled plans. I accepted her for who she was.  Because when we were together, it was a friendship that could not be replicated. I cherished her friendship. Even when she showed up on my door step asking for a $300 loan (for what I later found out was drugs) and then disappeared for months, when she was supposed to pay me back the following week. Even when, after she did get back in touch with me 7-8 months later, she never made an effort to pay me back.

But then something new happened: I needed her.

Imagine that. There’s a first time for everything.

And imagine this: She wasn’t there.

And I don’t need to hear some bullshit about, “You should tell her what you would have wanted her to say/do” or “You should have told her that you needed her.” (Someone actually said something to that effect to me on my last entry when I mentioned that my sister hasn’t at all acknowledged my miscarriage. But that is a story for another day).

How about, just fucking be there for your friend who birthed a 7 week old fetus on her toilet 5 days before her birthday? How about, reach out to someone who has been your friend for over half your life, someone who has always accepted you for who you are? You know, someone who has always been there for you, despite your own countless fuck-ups and flakiness? Someone who would, and has, dropped everything to come to your rescue from yourself?

Sure, you might not know what to say. Hell, I don’t even know what to say. I don’t expect you to have the answers. But I do need you. Ask me what I need from you. I might not know, but at least I know that you’re there. Be there, like I have been there for you. Do what you can to lift me up. Help me pick up the pieces of my shattered soul. Pay it forward. After everything that I have done for you, and our friendship. The one time that I need you, you can’t be bothered?

Okay, maybe you’re pissed off because of what I said on the day that I found out my baby had been dead inside me for three weeks. Maybe it hurt your feelings to realize that you could potentially be one of the people that I was talking about. Normally, I would say I’m sorry. I would say that I didn’t mean it that way, etc. I would/could say all of those things. They’d be true. But I am sick to fucking death of being sorry for things that are out of my control. I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. This is one of the worst things that can possibly happen to someone in their lifetime. I absolutely REFUSE to censor my thoughts/feelings on this. After being my friend for over half my life, you can’t understand that? You can’t try to put yourself in my shoes? You can’t do that one thing for me?

Jesus fuck. Why should I have to spell this out for her? Or ANYONE?! It’s common sense. I am so fucking tired of feeling like I have to break this down for people. It’s not rocket science. When do I get a break? I’m not even allowed to grieve, because I’m stuck here trying to explain/rationalize this. I have done SO MUCH for these people in my life. I am that “one person” who is never the first choice, but is always the one that you can depend on. I rarely ever ask for anything from anyone. And now I’m having to ask, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to. You should KNOW. You might not KNOW what I need, but you KNOW what to do. The same exact thing that you would do if your friend was going through anything else. Be there. Ask. Offer. Make yourself available.

Why do I have to tell you what a friend is? Why do I have to ask you to be one? I shouldn’t have to. And I’m not going to. I’m done. I’m absolutely exhausted. If I have to tell you this, if I have to break it down to you, I want absolutely nothing to do with you. Obviously, you’re not the type of person who is worthy of my time or friendship. It wasn’t enough that I was the best friend that I could possibly be to you for 13 years, but now I have to spend the weeks following the miscarriage, begging you to pay it forward. Why bother? What’s the point?

Just fuck off and out of my life.