Looking back

Wow. Reading through those last few entries really brought it back. It’s amazing how you can reach those trying and testing times of your life so easily….to remember how it is in the dark, for those feelings to come flooding back, to question yourself once again.

We’ve been back a year now. We’re still together now. We went through some tough times, I mentally switched myself off from you and told myself it was over. Not emotionally, but mentally. And we seemed to improve. We got back and I thought it would be the new chapter, my next chapter of singledom. But it wasn’t. And looking back now, I know at the time I questioned whether that was because of your personal circumstances, you were at home, far from your friends, far from any social circle you had. I was the closest thing to you.

And that is when you realised it and clung to it.

Life is the way it is, there are no re-runs or try agains or start overs. Every step leaves a print, every word leaves an impression, each tear leaves a stain.

If we had re-runs, I wonder if I would have had the strength to go it alone, to make my break from you, to stop thinking of you and to think of myself. I know I would have managed, but I would have worried that you wouldn’t have. I know now that you would have made the best from that where we were, or you would have come home…quite potentially the latter. But maybe that’s just not giving you enough credit.

So now we’re here, silently engaged. We’re going to get married and have kids and one day move abroad. At the time we left, I was excited about just these prospects, I was hungry for it and eager to make it happen and do anything for it. Now, I am slightly more distant. I am wary about the future. I am scared about what will happen in the re-run. Am I following the right path? Is this right, or just easy and the path of least resistance? I am so confused sometimes….I feel like I’m acting my life. Like I left me somewhere and now there is just a shadow remaining….the rest of me is in hiding.

Where do I go? How do I stop myself from facing the wrong way?