Life spins on a coin

How do we know if something will work out the way we want it to? 

The past three months have been up and down.   Spending every day and every night with someone is a real test of strength for a relationship.  It would seem that this relationship may not withstand it.

I suppose it´s not helpful when one party feels like it won´t work anyway.  How do you change that?

I had thought things were finally looking up, that we were going to be ok, that we were both making an effort and that we both wanted this to work.  It seemed that either I was fooled, or I fooled myself.  I´m sick of my relationships not working.  Why is it that they always fail.

I wrote in my actual diary earlier that I´m not sure how much longer I can stand this.  I don´t think I have enough strength to get by anymore on the promise of happiness.

I feel like I´ve been duped.  I feel as though I have been working on false promises.

We´re out travellling at the moment.  It has been scheduled to be a year.  I´m not sure it will be.  I´m going to see how things go, maybe for a few more countries.  By the end of October, I will have made up my mind.  If things don´t improve by then, I´m going to call the travelling a day.  I´ll call my mum and ask her if I would be a disappointment if I came home early.  I know she would say no, but I can´t help feeling like I would be.

Every part of me right now wants to call my sister and ask her if I would be a disappointment to her if I came home early.  I know I´ll end up crying though and then I´ll have to tell her what has been happening.  And if I haven´t made a firm decision to actually go home, she´ll just be worried about me until I do finally get home, even if that is next April.

What to do.  I feel like I have no-one to confide in.  I just want the answers.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I have them, but I just don´t want to admit that those signs are the answers that I don´t really want them to be.

But it takes two people to make a relationship work, right?  It needs both of them to commit 100%, right?  To both want to fight to save it?  How does it work when it feels like the other person has already checked out of the relationship, doesn´t think it´s worth it and doesn´t believe that the relationship will last?

Perhaps I am just too needy.  The last thing in the world I ever want to be.  Somehow though, 2 months will give me an answer.  God, let it work out the way I want it to.  Please.