If we don’t believe we will be ok, how can we be?

As time passes, I feel ever more distant from you.  I feel as though I’m here, but you no longer see me.  The way people learn to ignore beggars on the street…they are there, but a stink you can’t get away from.

I feel as though I am a shadow that is following you around.  I wonder whether you have any faith in this relationship anymore.  I feel ignored by you most days.  Having to think twice before I say anything to you and often wondering if I will even get a response.  And if I do get a response, whether it will be favourable or not. 

I’m here.  I’m in a country I’ve wondered about travelling in, on a continent I somehow felt I had an affinity with.  I should be loving this.  But it’s the last thing I’m able to think about.  I constantly wonder when the end is going to come.  I constantly wonder what is going to happen with us, whether you still want this.  Whether you still want me.

I don’t know what to do.  I feel incredibly lost.  And in this, I feel incredibly devoid of emotion.  I felt like I have cried enough tears.  The last tears flowed whilst we were in Panama City.  I stayed awake the whole night, and the tears were there with me every step of the way.  I asked for answers.  I asked God to show me a sign, for my father to be by my side and help me understand what was happening.  I thought that it was a sign when you turned over and seemed to be awake.  I’m not sure that it was.

I’m not sure this relationship can survive this negativity.  If we don’t believe we will be ok, how can we be?

You’ve given up.  I ask you, and I ask for an honest answer, you tell me you have no idea what you think will happen.  But all of your actions show me that you’re becoming ever more distant from me, and in your heart of hearts, I don’t think you believe this will be ok, but you don’t have the courage to tell me that.

I know if you ever read this you wouldn’t like me saying these things.  But I’m just being honest.  I don’t feel like you are doing the same with me.  It makes me feel like I’m being lied to, and being lied to makes me feel like I’m being cheated on.  I don’t know the truth of what is happening.

Speaking about this doesn’t seem to help anymore.  It makes no difference, we are never any closer to each other.  I try, but feel like I should keep my distance from you.  I sit on the bed during the day next to you or lie in bed at  night next to you, every time trying my hardest to stay as far away from you as possible….if I get in your space I don’t feel welcome.  It never used to be like this.

Every time I think about us there is a sadness in me, deep within.  I feel like it’s over, like I’m here where I shouldn’t be, near you where you don’t want me to be.  Maybe it seems bizarre to say that.  Maybe I’m wrong.  But I can’t feeling that.

If your history was different, would you have fought for this relationship?  Would you believe that history wouldn’t repeat itself, that I wouldn’t treat you the way she did.  That I would do whatever I could to keep us together.

If we left tomorrow to go home, I’m sure we would be ok.  We need space, I know that.  But there is a part of me that thinks it will come too late.  And then we will have our space.

We couldn’t be more distant from each other.  Yeh, we hate arguing.   Yeh, we hate being in bad moods with each other.  But at least them there was emotion involved.  What do we have now?  Tentative questions.  Meaningless touches.  Conversation cos we feel like we should try.  Distance.  Coldness.  The end looming ever closer.

Time is supposed to tell the story, and heal all wounds.  I’m sure it wlll.  But I’m impatient.  I have to try so often to stop myself from saying or asking you things.  Do we have the time anymore?  For each other, for us?

Every day I want to go home a little bit more.  Every day it becomes more of a reality. Every day the loneliness creeps in a little bit more.  The sadness descends a little further.  Every day a piece of me breaks a little bit more and we break away a little bit more.  I return to my walls a little more and hide away, just a little further. I can see the darkness like a veil.  I’m losing myself.  I can’t find the way out.  I now know what it is to be lost, lonely and scared.  All at the same time.