How does this end?

So now he knows.  I have no idea what he thinks, what he feels, whether he even believes me.  I don’t know that he even cares…and I can’t ask, and I can’t assume.  I can’t say anything more.  I feel all talked out.  It was a moment of despair, and I thought I felt better….but now I’m feeling like I was, as broken as I’ve ever felt…I never knew it was so difficult.  I never knew I would feel this pain.

I can remember many many entries ago I wrote about courage, and how it comes from within.  Sometimes when you need it the most, you’ll find a way.  Right now, I need it and can’t find it.  I’m smiling and I’m being "ok"…like I always am.  I can see the barriers being built.  I can feel the walls being built around my heart again.  And I don’t like it.

When I finally felt freer beng open and honest, that’s the time that I never felt so hurt.  It hurt like you wouldn’t believe.  It was difficult.  And whilst my words flow on the page, I still find it difficult to be open about my feelings…I still find it difficult to let myself be vulnerable.

I’m scared that I don’t know which way to go.  I feel as though I’m falling apart.  I think that if you looked at me close enough, you’d see the cracks, you’d see the supports giving way.  You see me crumbling.

From the inside is where I’m broken.  My mind, my heart…every part of me is crumbling…it’s all being reduced to dust.  And I’m scared like you wouldn’t believe.  I’m scared I won’t be found.  I’m being buried and I’m finding it hard to breathe.  I’m being suffocated by this hurt and I don’t want to change it.  I’ll lie here and suffocate…you’ll find me where you left me.  Broken inside, but not a scratch on the outside.

How many times do we break until we’re made up right again?  How many times do I need to delve within and find that courage to stand up?  When will it be that I don’t have to be broken anymore? 

When will it be that I don’t have to broken anymore?