Hidden

It seems that I always seem to be brought back here when things in my life feel like they’re falling apart..when I feel like I’m falling apart.

Right now, I feel horrible.  Earlier this week I finally ended it with the guy that I was seeing (the same person I wrote about a few entries ago – dated March).  We got back together after that, and it just seemed so different.  I really did think that I would be able to feel more long term about the relationship, but I’ve now realised that that is something you can’t force.  I was wrong to have thought otherwise. 

I went about things in the wrong way.  Ultimately, when the best in the long run was to stay single and not get back together with him, my strength failed me.  I never realised that these would be the effects.  Had I known..if I had known I would have hidden away from the world until the sun came out again.

Even now, as I write this, I hate myself.  No matter how many tears fall, I can never cleanse myself of the hurt and pain I have caused. 

I type through tears…somehow hoping that things can be ok.  Somehow hoping that the hurt he feels dissipates…disappears.
I’ve cried every night…the tears fell before I even knew I was crying.

I want to lock myself away from the world.  It’s hard to hide, because I just want it to be ok….and I can never be broken.  I have no right to be.

—–

We were all out tonight and he was there.  He told me in no uncertain terms that I have no right to be upset.  I’m not the one that’s been hurt.  He also said that he wondered whether I deliberately hurt him, in some way that was how I was getting back at all the guys in the past that have hurt me.  He said he thougth I had done it as some sort of revenge against men.  I can’t believe that he would think I was so sick and twisted.  What possible benefit would someone get from that.  It’s kinda twisted, and it hurts that he thinks I would do that.  I just don’t understand.
I know that he is hurt and angry at the moment, and I totally understand that.  To be honest, I wouldn’t expect him to be any other way.  It’s hard though, to tale this all and not say anything in return.  Not when I feel so shit about what I’ve done.
I made the mistake today of trying to defend myself…and he took it to mean that I didn’t care and that I thought I was blameless.  I never said that and never even meant it like that.
I’m so confused I don’t know what to do.  I want him to know how I really feel inside, but I also know that isn’t right.

I wish I could let people know how I feel.  I wish I didn’t always feel like I have to defend my territory…that territory being what I hide inside.  I wish I found it easy to tell people those things that really matter, the things that really effect me…I just don’t know how anymore.  I’ve hidden it for so many years I don’t know any other way.  And because of that the world believes I’m cold-hearted and feeling-less.  Couldn’t be further from the truth.  And I wish people knew that.