Dear J

2nd March 2006

Dear J,

I just want to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for placing you in such a difficult situation.  I sometimes wish I could have better control of my feelings, and then at least that way there isn’t the possibility that you feel guilty or hurt.  I honestly hope you don’t end up resenting me.  I couldn’t bear it if you did.  i know that you said you resent the situation, but I’m also afraid that at some point in the future you’ll look back at this time in your life and no longer resent the situation, but resent me.  I’m scared you’ll look back and think that you missed out on an a possibility, an opportunity that could have been something and you’ll blame me.  And I’m scared that because of that I’ll lose you from my life.  I honestly and truly hope that never happens.

You also said to me today that you think I’ll just walk away because all my feelings will turn to anger.  What I can tell you totally truthfully right now is that I wouldn’t be here now, trying to be your friend if I didn’t want to be or thought less of you.  Regardless of what you think I think, you are honestly a good person.  You have been so good to me in so many ways.  I don’t think that most other guys would still be here right now if they were in the same situation.  I don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you being in my life.

When I think of you and me, I don’t think about the arguments or the sad times.  I think about the wonderful, caring, sensitive, lovely person that you are, and I think of you with the saddest smile.  It may sound like I live in a dreamworld, but I think of you like this because I think of us as a love story with a sad ending.  It’s the relationship that couldn’t be and it’s heartbreaking to think about.  But I have to think of it like that, because then I know how great it was, how great you are and I can imagine a different ending.  It’s the alternative ending on the DVD in my mind.

So now you can see the insecure little girl behind the eyes that lock away tears, and the smile that hides the pain.  This is how I cope, it’s the only way I know how to . . . disappear into my head and wish away the pain.
I wish I could have been stronger for you.  I wish I could have been more for you than I was.  I wish that in the least I had told you how much I appreciated you and how much I loved you.  I wish I had told you all of that when it still mattered.

I don’t go to sleep without thinking about you.  And I wish I had the courage to tell you this.  I wish I had the courage to tell you a lot of things.  Maybe if I had when it could have made a difference, things between you and me could be so different.
And maybe things wouldn’t be so pained, so tortured.

My life without you is unimaginable.  I hope I never have to find the courage to know what that would be like to live with.

I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much trouble & pain & heartache.  I wish I could turn back the clock to when I was lying in the safety of your arms and the whole world was happy.  When "we" were happy.

(I wish I had the courage to send this to him, but I’m just too scared of the effect it will have.  I don’t know that there’s anything I can say to him without him doubting it.  I just wish that he knew).