And today’s entry…

Well, isn’t it weird how much you can be one way with one person, and completely different with another. How friendships, relationships etc are built on trust, and how even when you trust people, you still hide so much.

Sometimes I’m not even sure of the reason. Maybe we like secrets. Perhaps it a bit of self -preservation type stuff. I mean, I know with me that everything that I write on my diary is pretty personal. Most of my friends don’t even know I have this, and of the few that do, I think only 2 people know what my diary name is, and I know that they don’t read it. That’s what makes it ok. Whilst I know that some of the others wouldn’t read it either, it’s still scary.

I’m not scared that they may think diffently of me. Or maybe I am. Maybe a part of me thrives on fooling people on how well I am, and how well I ‘cope’ with things. A huge part of me doesn’t want people to know how messed up I am inside…I like to think that I do a real good job of hiding it so that they don’t find out, and so I don’t want them to find this and see me differently.

But then see, on the other hand, I kinda want to tell them all how much I need help…how much I want people to help me. But what are they going to do? Really? Nothing that I can’t do myself…..most probably nothing that can’t be done by anybody but me anyway.

I don’t always enjoy being so self sufficient and so goddamn independent. You know, maybe I’ll be able to get through some of it.

I had my first counselling session on Tuesday just gone. Interesting. Still not entirely sure on what to expect, or the good it will really do me. But one isn’t much. And I know we didn’t get through much because she was a little bit worried about the possibility of opening a can of worms and then me having no-one to talk to during the Easter break.

Dunno…..breakable feigning unbreakable.