59
Anniversaries are never easy. And neither are birthdays.
Today, my dad would have been 59 had he been around for us to celebrate. Just thinking about this last night, I started thinking about how it seems like so long ago, yet in the back of my mind, it was only yesterday that my whole life changed.
It may sound all melodramatic etc, but seriously, it taught me lessons, most of which I wish I could have learnt in a different way, under different circumstances.
Now that its summer, I think back to when he used to leave the sprinkler on in the garden, and I would run through it laughing like a kid, and soaking myself in the process .loving every minute. I dont think Ive used it since.
I remember this time last year, I was at counselling. I was going to bake a cake and celebrate just do what I would have had he been here. I never managed, there was that part of me holding me back afraid to let go.
I was talking to my mum last weekend about today, and she was right when she said you cant hold on to everything. Shes right I do need to let this go. Im just not convinced the message has got through to the parts of me holding on.
Its crazy, I can go for days and will be fine, and then every so often, I fall into this lull, and my mind does overtime thinking and talking to itself. I withdraw away and try to find a way to blot it all out to soak up the tears and erase the hurt. Im not there yet.
All too often I can talk about it and make light of it. Thing is, all I really want is to really talk about it to someone. Have someone listen, and just know the multitude of thoughts stored inside. You know, just have someone really look beyond my feigned smiles of Im ok and Yeh, Im cool with it ..for them to just risk pushing it and let me break down. Truth is, most people see it as a fragile subject…somehow see me as fragile as they see it. Not one person strong enough to see beneath and see the raging pain, and find a way to calm it.
I’m too damn scared to trust anyone with the most vulnerable part of me.
Damn. This always happens. I end up starting something, and then it spirals into a catharsis. When I least want it to be.
Anyways, I might save the cake til next year. But Ill still celebrate Im sure Ill find a way.
*holding your hand*RYN: Thanks for forgiving me. I was only in town for two hours, arrived Kings Cross 10.30, back there 12.30 – the exhibition was boring xxx
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I am sorry you are feeling so down. But it is understandable. I don’t think its a matter of “getting past” losing your dad, each of us deal with things our own way. You will always have your fond memories of him and you don’t need to give those up. Accepting that things have changed and won’t be as they were is an important step to make. But that doesn’t mean he’s gone. (con’t)
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(con’t) You can still feel him in your heart. Still hear the sound of his voice. Remember all the good times and smile. And talk to him anytime you feel the need. He is with you in those forms. Its not less, just different. Its thinking differently, its not about lose but change. The way you now interact with your Dad has changed. I am happy for you (and him) that you have so much love for him.
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*hugs* it may have been awhile ago, but im sure it still hurts, and im sorry for your loss
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u can talk 2me- typolisa@yahoo.co.uk. been there
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