Where I’m At Now

Below is an excerpt from an email that I’ve sent to my friend updating her on where things are in my life right now.  Thought I would post it here as well.

 I’m doing okay.  Hanging in there.  Life is definitely tough right now.  I just got back from Nebraska this last Tuesday which was definitely nice.  Got to see my family and some friends for the first time in three years.  Funny thing is that nothing ever really changes back home.  People get a little older, kids a little bigger, but overall it pretty much stays the same.  It’s kind of comforting.  It was kind of like being in a movie.  You know the kind of movie where the small town girl moves to the big city and goes back home after being away for years.  LOL  Needless to say, it was good to be home for awhile. 

Coming back to San Jose to an empty apartment was a bit hard to bear, but I made it through the first night after a few tears.  Jacob and I have been talking.  To be honest, we really haven’t ever completely stopped talking.  In a sense, it gives me hope because I know that if he was truly done with our marriage, he would shut that door completely and we would no longer be communicating.  In another sense, it’s like I’m setting myself up for disappointment because although we are talking, he isn’t coming home, and probably won’t be any time soon, if ever.  Right now, I just don’t have it in me to give him that ultimatum of "either come back so we can work things out, or don’t call me at all".  In a sense, I don’t really have that option anyway because I need to keep in contact with him for his financial support anyway.  It’s the least he could do after all that he is putting me through.
 
He actually was here in San Jose this week.  Even stayed with me at our apartment.  I probably broke all sorts of textbook rules when it comes to being separated from your spouse, but I’ve come to find out that you really can’t follow the textbook rules in this situation all the time.  You never really know what you would do until you are put into this horrible situation, and I think that the rules for everybody are going to be different.  So he was here.  We spent time together.  Talked a lot.  I feel that he walked away seeing how strong my love for him is.  That I have a love that so far has endured all of this pain and heartache.  A love that is willing to continue to hold on (for now).  A love that continues to give me hope and now is hopefully giving him hope too.  Regardless, we still have a long hard road ahead of us, and unfortunately I have no way of truly knowing where that road is going to lead right now.  I do continue to hold strong to my faith that God will not allow the road to lead me anywhere that will cause me great harm in the end though.
 
So here is where I’m at now.  I feel like my life is a book right now.  Boy will I have quite the testimony to share with others when all is said and done though.  =)
 

P.S.  The reason why I was able to go to Nebraska was due to the fact that after asking multiple times for some time off from my job for the sake of my mental stability and being denied each time, they ended up firing me instead.  Real nice huh?  Is it weird that I’ve already forgiven my husband AND the woman that he cheated on my with, but am struggling to forgive the person that was my so-called-boss for what she did?  She is truly a despicable person in my book.  *sigh*