The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Jacob is finally coming back today.  I’ve been waiting for days now.  I’m scared… devastated… sad… because I don’t know if we are going to make it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m holding on for dear life.  I’m praying that God will work a miracle.  That Jacob will give God a chance to work a miracle.  It’s going to be a long hard road either way.  But I’m terrified that he may not give God a chance.

On Tuesday, just as I was getting home from work, he called.  I hadn’t actually talked to him for a couple of days.  So I was excited that he was finally calling.  What he had to say was nothing short of excruciating to hear though.  He didn’t think we should be together anymore.  In fact, since he’s been up there again these past few days, what happened to start this all had gone farther with the other person.  Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt feel.  Over and over again I begged and pleaded, "Jacob, please just come home.  Please don’t do this.  Just come home.  You can’t make this decision from 4 hours away.  You can’t make a decision for both of us like this.  It’s not just your decision to make.  PLEASE… just come home!"

I begged and pleaded for probably an hour.  He said he had to get off the phone for a few minutes and would call me back.  I probably sounded like a lunatic… "No!  Don’t hang up!  Don’t leave me alone.  I can’t be alone anymore.  Just come home.  We’ll figure it out.  Don’t give up!"  I finally gave in after making him promise multiple times that he would call back in 30 minutes.  I was in the car this whole time in front of our apartment complex.  I can only imagine what the scene must have looked like to passersby.  But I was oblivious to anything around me.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I called Pastor Kevin.  "Pastor Kevin, please come quick."  I said this and so much more that I will never possibly be able to remember and left it all as a voicemail.  And then I called Luann, Pastor’s wife.  She answered immediately and said, "Kevin’s on his way."  She stayed on the phone with me until he got there.  Kind of like my own personal 911 I guess.  Again, there is no way that I could possibly come close to remembering what I said to her.  I just kept talking.  I do remember saying that I could hear myself and how crazy I was sounding, but the words just wouldn’t stop coming.  I just kept talking and talking and talking.  And then Pastor Kevin pulled up.

He said that he had actually talked to Jacob, and that he wasn’t making any sense.  Kevin agreed that Jacob just needed to come home.  Nothing could be resolved and no decisions could be made from where he was at.  As crazy as I was feeling inside, Kevin said that I made way more sense than Jacob.  That my reaction was quite normal and to be expected.  We drove to the church office to talk things out in hopes that I would be able to calm down and just breathe.  As we got there, Jacob did call back like he said he would.

I was calmed down a bit, but I was on edge and you could definitely hear it in my voice.  I stayed resolute in my request that he just come home.  We went back and forth.  I could tell that he had put up this wall before he called me in hopes of being able to stick to his guns.  While I was talking to him and begging him to come home, Pastor Kevin told me, "Tell him I’ll come get him."  So I did.  "Pastor said he will come get you tomorrow.  If you can’t find a way to get here, he’ll just come get you.  It’s okay.  He’ll come get you, and then we’ll go from there."

Jacob said he would see what he could do to get back on his own.  I personally thought that it would be really good if Kevin were the one to get him though since that would mean Jacob spending 4 hours in the car with him on the way back.  I kept my fingers crossed that would be the outcome.

Pastor Kevin and Jacob ended up talking on the phone as well for a few minutes about Kevin possibly going to get him.  Pastor told him that he was making no sense regarding the reason WHY he was trying to make the decision to leave me.  Jacob was trying to claim that since he’s been up there these past few days, he’s had a lot of time to think, and that he’s begun to feel closer to God.  Pastor Kevin pretty much scoffed at him for that and told him that he is sorely mistaken if he thinks he is feeling closer to God and this is the decision that has come from that.  He told him that there is no way that God would ever want him to up and leave his wife with no intention of seeing her again or taking care of what needs to be taken care of.  There was a tone to Pastor’s voice that I’ve never heard before… he’s mad at Jacob.  After going back and forth with him about why he couldn’t possibly be closer to God based off of the decisions he has made, I think part of that wall had become to be chipped away.

I talked to Jacob for a few more minutes when Kevin finished.  I talked about the fact that he is running from the problem instead of resolving it.  His way of resolving it is to take the easy road and just turn tail and run.  I kept reiterating though that even though he is ashamed and embarrassed for what he has done (as well he should be), the only true way to heal from this is to face that shame and embarrassment head on.  Come home.  We can get help.  God can work a miracle and heal us if we just let Him.

I finally got off the phone with him, and Pastor Kevin and I went up to the office to talk things out.  He reiterated that my reaction to all that was happening is completely normal.  It was more of the same conversation that we had earlier in the week.  He pointed out that the difference this time was that the situation was all that much more real for me.  And it was true.  When I talked to him on Sunday, it was always just in my mind that Jacob was coming back and we would move forward and deal with things.  But now… suddenly there was the possibility that that may not happen as expected.  I realized that I couldn’t let myself think too far ahead.  That’s when I began think minute by minute, hour by hour.  If I think too much farther ahead than that, I’m setting myself up for a break down.

I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to be alone anymore.  Not right now.  And Pastor knew it without me really having to say much.  I guess I did say that I was scared to be alone.  I couldn’t handle the dark thoughts that would overcome me.  It was decided that I would go back to his house and stay with his family for the night.  I don’t want to imagine what things would have been like had I stayed home alone that night.

I talked to Jacob again that evening even though Pastor had said that it essentially was pointless to try to have a conversation with Jacob at that point.  His frame of mind and reasoning ability were not there.  But I couldn’t resist talking to him.  I was definitely calmer, and

the wall that he had put up earlier was slightly lowered and chipped away.  I told him that I couldn’t give up hope.  That I felt like God was telling me to not give up.

Even knowing now that things went further since he has been up there, I feel this overwhelming amount of love within me.  I know it’s not mine per se.  It’s as if the Lord is doing everything he can to fill me with love for Jacob and not letting the anger (which is there, don’t get me wrong) overtake me and the situation.  When I started to feel this overwhelming amount of love, I came to realize a couple of things. 1) Either I’m a complete moron and glutton for punishment, or 2) I have so much love to show Jacob still, and God is going to give me the ability to do that.

I’ve told Jacob that by no means am I ever going to condone or think that what happened is okay.  It’s not my fault that he was weak and has made some extremely poor decisions.  But the one thing that I realize now and apologize for is the fact that I have sucked at showing my love for him.  I’m not an affectionate person.  I’m not into the cuddling and spooning.  I can come off as very cold and distant.  And now… I may not get the chance to show him how much I really do love him.  And that is devastating.  I keep praying to God that He will soften Jacob’s heart toward the reconciliation of our marriage.

By the end of the night on Tuesday, my glimmer of hope was beginning to look a touch brighter.  That night was the first night that I actually slept decently for days.

Yesterday morning, I got up and called Jacob.  He was still sleeping when I called, but I talked to him for a few minutes.  I asked him if he had been able to figure out a way home.  He told me that his aunt was going to be driving down on Thursday (today) so he would be coming then.  I told him that Pastor Kevin would come get him, but he insisted that he didn’t want Pastor to go out of his way like that.  I decided not to push it, and just let it go.  He wouldn’t be getting the 4 hour ride back with Pastor, but at least he was coming back.  He did tell me that he was seeing things a little more clearly (whatever that means).  It’s hard to understand what seeing things more clearly means to him since the day before, he clearly thought that the right thing to do was to leave me.  But I took that for a good sign.  He said that he can feel the prayers that are being said for us.  Apparently he hasn’t been sleeping well while he’s been up at his aunt’s house, so he was tired and wanted to go back to sleep.  Since Luann was giving me a ride home, I got off the phone and headed home.

The night before, I called my friend Rosie to see what she would be doing the next day.  I filled her in on what was going on, and she told me that she would come by in the morning to hang out for a bit.  As soon as Luann dropped me off at home, I called Andrea.  I had talked to her earlier while I was waiting for Luann.  She has gone through stuff like this with her boyfriend for years.  If anybody knew the feelings that I was dealing with right now, it would be her.  So we chatted.  I know that if need be, I have a place to go.  I don’t want to think about that though.

Rosie got to my place a little after 10:00.  She brought me Starbucks and a yogurt.  And we talked about everything.  She is an extremely insightful person, so it was good to talk with her about everything going on.  The time spent with her kept me distracted and calm.  Thank the Lord that she was able to be here for me.  We even went to a movie to keep my mind occupied for a little while.

After Rosie dropped me off at home, I called my mom to give her an update.  I know that she is hurting for me right now and praying that Jacob and I are able to heal and move forward with our marriage.  I decided to also call my Aunt Vicki to let her know that prayer is needed.  And Jacob had called Christy the night before to let her know that I was probably needing a friend right now.  She had emailed me earlier in the day, so I gave her a call to ask for prayer.  It’s comforting to know that we have a lot of prayers going up for us right now.

Yesterday was a day spent either with somebody by my side or somebody talking on the other end of the phone line.  I had to just keep talking.  Couldn’t let my mind wander.  Pastor and Luann said that I could stay with them again last night.  Such a blessing.  So after watching a show on hulu, I packed up some sleeping clothes and the dog, and we headed back over.  We ate dinner, and then I went to the deck and sat with Cha Cha since she couldn’t come in the house with their dog.  After awhile, we headed up to the room we were staying in.  I had called Jacob a few times during the day, but there was no answer.  Then Lynne answered and let me know that he was with his aunt, so I asked her to let him know that I had called.

He did end up calling me back.  And the conversation was sounding more and more positive.  Far more positive than 24 hours before.  We both agreed that we will be starting from the beginning again.  First friends and then going from there.  I can tell that Jacob is definitely still leaning towards we will just be friends, and always be there for one another, but I’m not giving up hope on our relationship as husband and wife being healed by the grace and glory of God.  Time will tell.  I just pray that God keeps working on Jacob’s heart for his marriage.

I did tell him that I realize that I’ve spent the last several years clinging to parts of life that shouldn’t matter.  Such as living in the city… in our apartment… not being willing to move or accept change.  I told him that I know now that I should have been clinging to God and my husband.  So I told him that after all is said and done, I’m ready to move away and start someplace fresh.  I think that surprised him.  But it’s true.  I would rather spend my life anywhere in the world with Jacob than spend it alone here in the city.  If he’s not happy here, then I shouldn’t continue to force him to live here.

So lots was said last night.  Many things good and positive and adding to may hope.  A few things not-so-much and maybe putting a dent in my hope.  All I can hold onto at this point is the fact that he is coming back today.  Today really is the first day of the rest of my life.  I’m going to spend the day cleaning because I want him to walk into an apartment cleared of clutter and chaos.  One less thing for him to stress on.  I want him to focus on positive changes in our life TOGETHER, and walking into a messy house can’t possibly begin things on the right foot.

If anybody has read this and made it this far… and if you are a praying person… please lift up my husband and me to the Lord and ask Him to heal our marriage.