Don’t Look Back

It’s been awhile.  Times, they are a changin’.  I’m done looking back.  I’m done trying to pull Jacob forward with me.  I’m moving forward on my own.  And I’m okay with it.  I’m experiencing moments of happiness again.  And I can see now that my life will be okay without Jacob in it.  Sadly, my life may end up being better with him no longer in it.

The Jacob that I fell in love with 7 years ago doesn’t even exist anymore.  It really is as if he is dead.  The person that has taken his place…  well I don’t know that person.  I don’t want to know that person.  I have no desire to make that person a part of my life.  I’ve let go of my Jacob.  I still mourn the loss of my Jacob.  He really was my best friend.  I loved him the best way that I could as the person that I was at that time.

I’m a different person now too.  I’m a better person now.  I’m a stronger person now.  I didn’t think I would ever get to this point.  When this all began, I didn’t think there would ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.  But there is!  I feel like I’ve stepped out of the tunnel now.  I stopped looking back to the beginning of the tunnel.  The beginning of the tunnel is where my Jacob stopped our journey together.  I kept going back to the mouth of the tunnel to bring him with me.  I stood in the middle of the tunnel, in the pitch black dark, looking back and waiting for him to follow me.  To catch up to me.  To go through to the other side with me.  He lost his way though, and I finally got to my point of no return.  I moved forward, and day by day, the journey, while still hard, began getting easier.  I’ve stepped out of the tunnel, and I stand in the light of a new life and endless possibilities in front of me.

I’ve met new people.  People that were not a part of my life with Jacob, and because of that have given me a sense of what my life will look like without him in it.  Before, I couldn’t imagine what my life would like like without Jacob here.  Now I have an idea of what it will look like, and it’s okay.  A weight has been lifted, and I can breathe again.  The pain is still there.  Don’t get me wrong.  Just typing this out, tears fall down my face.  But each tear that falls is a tear of closure.

For weeks after this all began, I swore up and down to Jacob that he was the love of my life and always would be.  I’ve come to realize now that he really probably isn’t.  The love of my life wouldn’t have left me for another woman.  The love of my life wouldn’t have continued to be unfaithful.  The love of my life would have fought for me.  The love of my life would have gone through hell and back for me just the way I was doing for him.  The love of my life wouldn’t have given up.  Only God knows who the love of my life is, but He has shown me that this person that Jacob has become is not him.

It’s nice to feel wanted again.  Right now, I’m kind of wanted by more than one person.  There’s one in particular though that I feel like the feeling is mutual.  Trust me when I say that I’m doing my best to be cautious and not move too fast.  We both are.  He has recently experienced a similar situation as I have, only he was in a long term relationship, not married.  Needless to say, it has been nice to have somebody that I can see eye to eye with about things.  We are clearly getting closer the more we talk and the more we spend time together.  So much so that I’m at a point where anybody else that I’ve started talking to, I’m going to begin telling that I’m not interested in anything more than platonic friendship due to connecting with somebody else on a different level.

There are also some other promising things going on in my life right now.  A couple of job prospects that I will hopefully find out more about within the next few days.  Also, found a roommate!  As long as everything works out, I’m gonna be finding a place with Kamalani.  It will be Kama, her little boy Seann, her dog Kihei, and me.  We want to try and find a 3 bedroom, or a 2 bedroom with a den or something where we can each have our space.  It will definitely help when I get working again.  I’m super excited about where my life is headed right now.  I feel like I’m on an adventure right now with lots of good things coming my way.