Broken*

I feel so lost and alone right now.  My marriage might be over, and I don’t know what to do.  There’s a drunken entry written a week ago that I made private 1) because it’s hard to even comprehend and 2) because at the time, I accurately predicted that my husband was cheating on me as I wrote it.

 

Last weekend, we went up to stay with Jacob’s family because his brother was getting married.  How ironic that at the time, one marriage was beginning while another was potentially ending.  The first two days that we were there were great.  Actually had a good time.  Saturday (the day everything went down) was actually good too.  We were hanging out, having what seemed to be a really good time.  Yes… we were drinking.  And unfortunately, it played a huge factor in what transpired.  At one point, I remember noticing that my husband and his sister’s friend were MIA.  The thought crossed my mind.  Again, I even ended up writing a drunken entry about it.

The next day, something seemed off, but it was time to go home.  Sad thing is that Jacob tried to suggest that maybe he would stay a day or two longer.  I told him that I would be super pissed if he made me make the 4 hour drive back home alone.  Even more disturbing is the fact that I invited his sister and the friend to come back to San Jose and hang out for a couple of days instead.  Thank God that didn’t pan out.  But the fact that he was going to stay up there makes me sick to think about.  Who knows what would have happened if he did.

On the way home, I indicated to him that something didn’t seem normal, and I straight up asked him if something happened that I should know about.  He didn’t deny but he didn’t admit to anything.  I let it go for the time being.  I asked him the following two days if there was something that he needed to tell me too because he still wasn’t being himself.  Then, when I got home from work on Tuesday, he confessed.  He swore there was no sex involved (and as weird as it sounds, I believe him… because I know him and can read him like a book), but they did mess around.  Still not okay.  Not okay at all.  The only thing that I had to use as an excuse to possible move forward was the fact that we were all beyond drunk that night.  But STILL not okay.

I called into work on Wednesday.  There was no way that I was going to be able to function.  We ended up spending the day together.  Not doing much really.  Talking some.  Trying to decide what we should do.  Should we fight for our marriage?  Should we move on?  My first gut reaction after he confessed the night before had been "I don’t want to lose my best friend.  I can’t imagine my life without him."  We went back and forth though, and I made the HUGE mistake of putting my guard down enough to be intimate that evening.  What was I thinking?  The wound was entirely too new!  How could I be so stupid and weak?  And when we were… it felt like it was all about him.  (Red flag? Probably.)

Thursday, I went back to work.  It was a good distraction.  But sucked nonetheless.  That night, Jacob went on groundwire.org and chatted with somebody about what we were dealing with.  The lady that he talked to told him that she had gotten divorced several years ago and completely regrets it.  I know I would regret it.

I’ll be back in a little bit.  I’m going right now to meet with my pastor. 

I talked with my pastor for about an hour and a half yesterday afternoon.  The results at the time were good.  The last effects of the discussion seem to too quickly be fading though.

Jacob keeps to hem haw around about when he is coming back from Redding.  Oh yeah… forgot to mention when I wrote yesterday that after everything that happened last week, his grandma ended up in the hospital and the signs were all pointing to her not pulling through.  She did pull through… but he hasn’t come back yet.

After talking to Pastor Kevin yesterday, I felt reassured and confident that this wasn’t the end to "Jamie and Jacob".  It would be a long and bumpy road, but we would be able to pull through.  Unfortunately, Jacob continues to show signs that he may just be throwing in the towel.  But isn’t that MY decision?  I’m the one that was hurt here.  I’m the one that should be deciding whether or not I think it’s even worth working things out.  But he’s taken that away from me.  He’s continued to give me excuses as to why I shouldn’t be with him.  Like literally give me excuses…. "You deserve better than me." "You would probably be happier without me." "You don’t want to be with me anymore do you?"

WTF???  He’s taken away any ability I may have needed to be angry about what has happened.  If I show any sense of anger, he will think that I’m just proving one of the above points and that we have no chance of moving forward and being happy together.  Instead, I am left with the only option of trying to get him to realize that we don’t have to be through.  That we have a chance of moving forward.

I want HIM to be the one giving me the reasons why we should still work things out.  Why I shouldn’t give up on him.  But no… he’s taken that away from me.

And I know exactly WHY he is doing it.  Instead of actually saying that HE doesn’t want to be with me anymore, he wants to continue to give ME excuses as to why I should be through with him.  So that if I do throw in the towel, he can say that he wasn’t the one that left me.  That I was the one that decided it was over.  To take the "bad guy" title away from him.  He doesn’t want to be the one to make the call.

But what he is failing to realize is the ramifications of what he is doing.  After talking to Pastor Kevin yesterday, I came to realize that God put Jacob and I together for a reason.  Not to sound stuck up by any means, but I level Jacob out and give him a life of normalcy.  Without me in his life, he will have a life of chaos and… well I don’t know what… but we equal each other out.  We really do.  And I’m not ready/willing to give up on us yet.

Being alone a lot really gets to me though.  I didn’t hear from him at all until about an hour ago, and that was only because I had sent him a text.  I’m sad thinking that if I hadn’t sent him a text, he may not have had any contact with me at all today.  My initial text was what I hoped came across as positive and showed that I am looking forward to seeing him.  I basically asked him, "Am I going to get to see you tomorrow?"

He said, "Ya think so."  Maybe I should have left it at that, but that wasn’t the answer I was looking for.  So I replied back… "Okay. ‘Think so’ doesn’t really cut it. How about ‘Yes I will be there tomorrow.  See you then.’"  His response? "I don’t know."

I finally told him, "Look. I’m falling apart dealing with this by myself for 4 days now.&nb

sp; I can’t be alone anymore and I only want you here.  Seriously… My thoughts are too much."

Him? "I’m working and thinking alot if we r right or not need time alone sorry i need time."

"I don’t think you get what a mess I am turning into having to deal with this alone.  You have your fam.  I have no one.  You are all I have out here."

No response.

*sigh*  I hate drama.  I really really do!  It makes me sick.  I don’t deal with it well.  And this… well this is the definition of drama.  I just feel like if he were HERE we could rationally decide on how to move forward.  I think tomorrow, I am going to ask Pastor Kevin to call Jacob… because the things that I said to him last night obviously went in one ear and out the other.  Even though he was receptive to what I was saying at the time.  At least he seemed to be.

I went to work late today.  Because I stayed up late last night and 6:30 rolled around way to early.  Peak season for my company is officially in full swing now, and we are suddenly buried in emails, chats, and phone calls.  The timing of what is going on my life is most definitely not ideal.  I get that.  But when my boss tried to bully me into staying OT tonight (past the extra time that I volunteered to stay) I pretty much lost it.  The supervisors that I work with directly were able to get her to let up, so I still left at the time I said I was leaving, but I was so stressed out that she was adding to the pile of stress that I’m already dealing with.

I made it back to town in time to go to Bible Study.  I needed to be there.  It’s pretty much the only sense of support I have right now.  Even though only a couple of people there knew what I’m dealing with right now.  But then Bible Study ended, and I had to come home.  To an empty apartment.  I haven’t eaten since 1:00 this afternoon.  All I’ve had today is a weight watchers microwave dinner and a banana.

After I had the above text message exchange with Jacob, I decided to call my boss’ cell.  I knew that I had to really let her know or give her an idea of where I’m at right now.  She finally realizes that I’m on the verge of my breaking point, so at least I have that and hopefully she’ll lay off a little bit.  She even told me that if I want to take time off, she would approve it.  I wasn’t even asking for that… I just wanted to let her know that there are some things that I will be able to handle right now, and some things that I can’t.

There’s probably so much that is missing in this entry, but it’s the gist of my life right now.  I just pray that God is able to hold me together while I’m alone with my thoughts, and that He will guide Jacob back to me so that he can see that we can get past this.  As desperate/pathetic as I may sound right now, I’m not ready to stop fighting for my marriage.  I think God can use what has happened to strengthen our relationship.  Now it’s just getting Jacob home so that he can realize that too.