Add 30 Flights to That

Yesterday’s total for flights climbed in the Step Up challenge was 30 flights.  The teams have been rearranged a bit because on gal isn’t able to participate due to doctor’s orders.  The Director didn’t do any flights yesterday which brought our team average down to 26.5 flights.  Here’s to hoping that she gets on the ball with things today.

Today is going to be tough for our team.  Actually for the whole department.  There are people that aren’t here.  The guy who seemed to be inflating his numbers the first two days of the challenge isn’t even here today.  In fact he’s M.I.A.  I do hope that he’s okay.  In addition, Anna is leaving at noon today, and Serina who was shuffled to my team today is also out.  So that basically leaves me to get in some stairs.  I want to do my best to put up a nice number since I’m going to actually be out of the office tomorrow and Friday now.

*sigh*  My DARLING husband was in high form this morning.  He’s in one of those frames of mind where he is questioning me.  It makes me sick really.  To think that he thinks so little of me.  In fact when I sit and think about it, my blood gets to boilin’, and I honestly could care less if he follows through on his numerous threats to leave me.  He has NO basis or reason to do so except for whatever delusional thoughts that he has in his delusional head.  There comes a point where it doesn’t matter what I do, I know that he will ALWAYS doubt me.  It’s pretty sad actually.  How does one remain in a marriage to somebody who doesn’t trust them?  For NO reason.

I feel so trapped when he goes into this phase.  I want to scream.  I want to give up.  I WANT him to leave.  I want peace.  I know that if he was gone, my life would have peace.  Yeah… it was suck.  I would have to do it on my own (with the strength of God holding me up of course), but at least I wouldn’t have to defend myself anymore.  I could be ME and know that I don’t have try to PLEASE somebody else.  I find peace in the J.J. Heller song "Who Will Love Me for Me" because I know that even though my husband doesn’t really truly love me for me, at least my heavenly Father does.  When it all comes down to it, we really ONLY need and have the love of God.

So what’s the point in fighting through this marriage anymore?  I know that there is so much more to life than just defending who I am on daily basis.  I’m at a point in my life where I am trying to make healthy changes for myself.  But if I’m not mentally healthy from dealing with daily drama that is Jacob, what’s the point in making changes in other areas of my life?

BAH!  I hope that getting this out of my system helps.  I’m not going to hold my breath though.