40 Days

Lately I’ve been really wanting to work on being a better wife in the eyes of God.   I mean that I would like to grow as a Christian woman which in turn will also bring me to be a better Christian wife.  Lord knows that I have a long way to go before I am up to par, but I’ve been wanting to take steps to improve my marriage.  I know that I can’t change Jacob.  Try and try as I might, it’s not going to happen unless he wants to change himself.  But why should he change if I’m not willing to change?  Obviously I need to remove the plank from my own eye before I can tell him how to remove the plank from his.

So tonight we watched Fireproof.  It was hard to watch with Jacob because I couldn’t tell if he was taking it seriously.  I know for a fact there were times when he really wasn’t simply by the comments he was making.  *sigh*  But once again… not much I can do but take it in for myself and go from there.  The couple in the movie remind me a lot of where Jacob and I are right now.  Not that we are on the verge of divorce, but more along the lines of how they were talking to one another in the beginning of the movie.  We are constantly at each other’s throats like that.  It’s very VERY rare for us to go a day without some sort of argument.  I don’t know if I can remember that last time that we’ve had a 100% peaceful day.  Sad huh?

Well after watching the movie tonight, I feel like I have a starting point.  I don’t know if Jacob will do it with me.  He says he will, but we’ll see.  Even if he doesn’t, I know that I can do what I have to do.  So tomorrow I am going to Barnes & Noble and buying The Love Dare.  I’m sure it’s a quite popular book right now, and I’m going to jump on the bandwagon.  But this is a bandwagon that I don’t mind jumping on.

In other news… I got my final check yesterday.  *sigh*  It was more than we expected it would be, so that’s good.  We’re planning on paying rent for next month right away so we don’t have to worry about that when the beginning of next month rolls around.  I’ve been putting my resume out there like crazy…well as much as I can anyway.  Keep your fingers crossed that I’m able to find something sooner rather than later.

Most of all pray that I am even able to get through the first day of this Love Dare thing with my oh so unloving husband.  I hope I learn a lot from the book, because as it stands right now I’m on the verge of complete destruction when it comes to that man.  I almost feel like it’s a now or never type of deal.  I just finished watching that movie will him less than an hour ago and we are already at each other’s throats.  I can see why people get to the point of hopelessness.  Funny thing is that I don’t have anything keeping me here anymore.  Right now I don’t have a job.  I could easily pack up my clothes take this last paycheck and say screw it.  It sounds so nice.  To just stop dealing with the stress and heartache of it all.  What happens if I finish this book… if I change…  if I become the woman that God intends me to be… the wife that I’m supposed to be, and I am still miserable and unhappy.  What then?  Guess we’ll know in 40 days.  Pray that I stick it out.  Tomorrow is day one.

God, please give me the perserverence to see this through.