Sing me to sleep

 I don’t know. Even though I miss my mum, I need time to think.  I love and hate her at the same time and I know I can never be happy when she’s around. I’m trying my best to get better but it’s so hard. It makes me sad when I think about the last few years. People might think i’m weird when they read what I write but it’s really not that bad as it sounds. 

I wish I could talk to my best friend but I know that she’s angry at me. I’d be too. I’m angry at myself too. I wish I’d care more about our friendship but I don’t. I really don’t. Even though I love her so much. But she knows that that’s just the way I am. The first day I met her I told her I’m a complicated person and I’m the worst friend ever. She was okay with it. I miss the old times when everything was okay and everyone was just happy but it just seems such a long time ago. I started to write a diary on new year’s eve because I wanted it to get better but it didn’t really turn out like I wanted. Well, at least I made a little process. Everything has to go step by step. 

Sometimes I don’t even understand myself. My brain talks all the time and he won’t shut up. It’s quite annoying. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. But when I do sleep I have nightmares and I don’t really like them. When I was like 8 oder 9 I always had nightmares and I had to take tablets to make it better. I’d like to write or draw something. I really want to. It’s my passion but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know why. Jesus. I’m so complicated. It makes me mad. I wanna create something meaningful before I die. Who knows when that’s gonna happen. I just feel like I have to do something. I’m sorry. I know it’s confusing.

Anyway I have to sleep now if I  go to school tomorrow. We’ll see. 

Lovelyn.

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