Into dust
Dear diary
I wanted to write an entry so badly but It just didn’t feel right. I’m getting worse and worse at school and I feel like I have to repeat this year. That sucks. I have holidays now and my mum is finally back. She’s been back for a few days now but I just can’t be around her. I always sleep at my friends house or don’t come home because I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t hate her but she makes me sad in a way I can’t explain. The last few weeks I was doing pretty good but I’m afraid that it starts again. The horrible feeling in my chest is coming back and when I think about last year I wanna cry. I don’t wanna be like this anymore. This is what I’m scared of the most. To feel like this again. The awful pain. Right now it’s still okay. It’s not that bad like it was last year but I hope it’s not getting worse. I’m just trying not to think about everything. Instead of thinking too much like I always do I’m just trying to make my brain stop talking and being quiet. I had a couple of bad nightmares recently. Most of the time I dream about my best friend. That she’s here with me and that we’re alright like in the old times and in the morning when I wake up I feel so lonely and sad because I know she’s not coming back anymore. I let her go. I also dreamed about Tom. In my dream he said I should stop running away from everything and just stay with the people I love. He’s the only one who can actually understand me a little bit. He’s sad too. But I feel like I’m loosing him too because he likes me and I just can’t see him again. I don’t no why. I just can’t. He also asked if I want to be the lead singer in his band. They’re pretty good but I said no I have no time. Someone else also offered me to play a few songs in a club but I also said no. I really don’t know why. The weird thing is I know that Tom is the right one for me. I just know it. I can feel it. I like him so much and he listens and he understands but it doesn’t matter. I can never be with him and he’d be much happier without me. Everyone is.
The last week before holidays I got back a bad grade and I instantely felt like I have to cry. I just ran off the classroom and ate lunch alone in the library in our school and I started to cry. It was horrible. I felt horrible. I never cry because of grades. I’m not one of those people but in this moment it was just too much. I missed my best friend. I still do. First I thought I’m doing much better without her but now it’s getting worse. I think about her all the time. I will never find anyone like her even if my others friends are nice people too. She was just special. She really felt what I felt. But I think she’s happy now and I should be happy for her too. I gotta go now. My family went out for dinner and they’re back now. By the way I just ordered some beautiful cute cupcakes for my sister’s birthday. I hope she likes it.
-Lovelyn.