Accepting My Purpose

Hi,

I do own a private journal that I write in but having the ability to publicly and anonymously release my thoughts helps when I feel I have no one to speak to or do not want to bother people with my issues. Everyone is dealing with something and I want to be a bright light for them but my light is so dim that it’s hard to be that bright light and all I do is talk about my health issues and some sad yet funny stories. I feel I am a downer and I do not like that. I try hard not to speak of myself but I feel so suffocated by my sadness, alone, and lonely. A lot of people think I am a happy person and I try to keep it that way. Keep people at a superficial distance. Because I know when they get to know me, yes, they may like me more due to relatability, but then I notice at some point they start to change around me, next thing I know they talk less or stop completely, and I begin to wonder what’s wrong with me.

When I was 8 years old I finally gave up. I realized I had to keep to myself. I became afraid of letting people in for fear of getting my feelings hurt. I couldn’t trust anyone. I had to protect myself. This meant everyone. Including my own family. The only people I opened up to were the school councilors when I was in high school albeit not about everything.

I was denied a therapist growing up and when I was 22 I completely broke down and reached out for help regardless of how my parents felt about it. I almost gave up looking for a therapist that actually listened to me until I found one who is absolutely amazing and truly saved my life. It’s been a long journey and although a lot of progress has been made there are still large obstacles in the way. She is still constantly saving my life. My one true person I can rely on. Other than my psychiatrist.

I’m proud of myself but I’m also tired. It takes a lot of energy. So much energy.

~~Now the journal entry~~

Every single day is a struggle.

Every day I am in physical pain. When there’s a moment to make a wish I would usually wish to be happy, but I gave up on that, I stopped wishing for anything and then a few weeks ago decided to start wishing to have one week of no pain. Just ONE week. That’s all I ask. I need a break. I NEED a break. I’m going insane. So much pent up emotions. Anger. Frustration. Worthlessness. Helplessness. Undeserving of happiness. Nothing special.

I have come to terms that the physical pain will never end until the day I die. I have been in and out of physical therapy a plethora of times and even with that I’m still in pain. Medications only go so far and most do nothing for me. Marijuana is not a miracle drug. CBD cream helps for an hour. Everything is a bandaid. Nothing is a cure. All we can do is endure and manage the pain. Which is very discouraging. Knowing that as we age things will only get worse. Which makes you ask yourself, “well then what’s the point of staying alive if there is no end to this?”

With this acceptance of no escape from the pain and not being allowed to escape being alive so those around me wont be sad I have to figure out what to do to give myself a reason to stay alive. All I can do is help and support others with no expectations of reciprocations. Regardless of whatever career I chose, acting, dancing, animating, painting, etc. in the entertainment field, all I wanted to do was create an escape for others from this harsh reality. A moment where they can put aside their sadness and stresses. Finally, I have chosen and accepted my purpose.

My purpose: Making others happy. Being people’s bright light.

How: Providing an escape as well as tools that you can use that could possibly help you on your journey in life through entertaining videos and personal private support.

My pain has led me to become a yoga instructor. I am a student at a wonderful yoga school with passionate teachers full of wisdom. I am learning what helps me and what could possibly help others with my same condition.

Plan: (will be refined later) Personal business mainly provided through YouTube, personal website, and possibly Patreon. Also will provide private sessions and small groups. Future plan to offer a retreat. Possibly a workshop. Last but not least, create a support group.

*My yoga teachings are specified to people who have Hypermobile-Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile Syndrome Disorder, Fibromyalgia, and Chronic Pain. These teachings can also be applied to people who are elders or injured. Those who are beginners or returning after a long yoga break could also benefit.

Those with hEDS, HSD, Fibromyalgia, and/or chronic pain feel completely alone in their struggles and each day takes up a lot of spoons. Due to there being no cure life becomes very discouraging and we want so desperately for a break. The pain becomes too much to do anything and the depression makes it hard to do what you need to do. It’s no excuse but it is the truth.

I wondered what I could bring to the table and I came to one conclusion: myself! I am the bees knees and I will due my best to be as available as possible to be there for my clients. The masses online and my private clients. I am an open book with many stories that people can relate to and hopefully my stories, personality, knowledge, support, and physical and spiritual healing will make a difference in their life.

…Not only will this be to help others…but it will also help me to not feel completely alone and happy to be able to contribute to the population that suffers from these specific pains that can only be managed.

 

All I ask from the universe is to help support me to make this happen. If I can’t be with the man I love, if I can’t be happy, if I can’t be without pain for one friggin simple week please pleeeaaase at least give me the support to make my business flourish in massive proportions in whatever way possible to make a positive difference in society.

Support from others and those around me is also helpful.

I love hugs. Lots of hugs. I want a hug… Give me your hugs.

Together We Dazzle!

You are not alone <3