2.20.2024

I must spend a week sitting in front of the ocean. Let the salty air cleanse every breath trapped in my chest. Feel the sand exfoliate the grime of existence off my skin. Let the waves’ symphony drown out the cacophony in my head

I need someone else to shoulder strength for a while, for I am burnt out. No more smiling through the struggle, feeling the weight of tears in the while I  shower. My chest hasn’t felt light in months, and I fear it may combust. I crave a tight embrace as emotions spill out. I yearn to lie in bed while my hair is gently played with, receiving the reassurance I’ve so freely given others. I long to be asked not to perform but to take a moment to rest.

I love being there for everyone, don’t get me wrong, but yet I wonder if the burden would be less heavy and the desire to escape less frequent if I didn’t have to shoulder it alone.

Today, I nearly passed out in the shower, forgetting to breathe while stifling my tears. Perhaps it wouldn’t have happened if I could have also showered yesterday, but the faucet was broken. I want to cry and share my frustrations, but instead, I force a laugh at my grandmother’s comment about my weight gain for the third time today. I take a deep breath when Tiktok tarot cards tell me my favorite person is still in love with me. I push my feelings aside when confronted with the stories of the children I strive to empower, doing what must be done to move forward each day.

I just need a moment to feel the safety of my emotions without the fear of judgment or the pressure to do more.