Who will catch me when I fall?

Everything is in disarray…..

Life in general is just off these days…I must say that most of the time I feel scatter brained like I’m trying to catch up with everthing and everyone and I’m just not getting there in time to make anything or anyone work or be happy…

Most of all I’m starting to lose confidence in myself once again and lets face it without that I’m crap…Life isn’t as easy as it once was, job sucks, marriage is good yet I’ll get to that in a moment, house is good, but I want something more…I’m starting to feel as though I could sleep forever and all I want to do is just get everyday over as quickly as possible, without anything going wrong…what a freakin’ goal…I pray each day…please don’t let anything go wrong today, don’t let there be anything in the mail that could be upsetting(bills, late notices, court dates etc.)…just let me get through work without anyone pointing out my faults and what I could improve on or what I’m not doing…*sigh*

Last week Chris got a notice to appear in court for his child support…this isn’t a good thing and although we pay as much as we can it’s not enough and we both know that, but lets face it we’re not doing so hot ourselves and we do good to pay the phone and electric bill every month…anyway, it’s a contempt of court thing and I am obviously FREAKED out by this mostly because how am I going to survive without him if worse comes to worse…I’m scared…and I’m pissed, the grandparents that have his daughter don’t even let him see her or talk to her on the phone…we sent them a calling card and they still won’t let her call, how is this even fair in the long run…the mother doesn’t even visit her, doesn’t pay support, lives in a different state while her parents raise her daughter…they have legal gaurdenship, which ok fine, but he never signed over his parental rights doesn’t that count for anything??? He has a job, a house, a wife…isn’t he a suitable parent yet?? Can’t he fight for custody?…or is this a no win situation…obviously this would be very upsetting to the child if we got custody and she’d be yanked out of everything that she’s ever known, but how is it fair to not even be able to see her? I don’t know I’ve made myself literally sick over this…I have insomnia, stomach pains all that fun stuff….I’m scared…what if I lose my husband? 

As far as work…well someone got fired yesterday who happened to be one of my favorite people there…sucks…totally sucks….I haven’t gotten to talk to her yet…plus it’s just chaos there anyway…here’s the thing, my "boss" a couple of weeks ago said something to be that was very upsetting…ok I’ve probably put on about 15lbs since I’ve gotten married…I know I’m not perfect…but I guess she felt the need to point it out to me…As soon as I got in that day at 2pm she was sitting at the computer and talking to herself as usual so I didn’t think about it much, but the she just kept saying "this is hard, this is so hard" so I’m looking at her like what the hell are you talking about?? She looked at me and said ok, "I’ve noticed you’ve gotten fatter are you ok?"…I stood there in shock…just dumbfounded…she continued…"Co-worker and I are worried about you"…First of all why are you talking to my peer about my weight?? Is this something that is ok between a boss and a peer to talk about?? I don’t think it is…So her suggestion was this…it’s sort of amusing now…here’s what she said.."So we’re going to take the roll chair away and when we’re slow you can go a walk around the building for some exercise…you just drive us nuts when there’s nothing to do and you just sit there with us." I just nod my head and pretend like everything is ok…I’m hurt…pissed…I don’t even know…So I had a 4 day weekend to sit and stew about the situation after this…I confronted my co-working about it and asked her what was said to her…she gave it to my straight and I appreciated it…Oh I forgot when I got to work that morning the roll chair was back, because she had put a standard chair in my desk spot…anyway…I guess what happened was that the owner had come up to the front and asked her why that chair had been put up there and she started in on her story and he told her to come to the office with him…long story short…he told her that she can’t do that she’s not my mother and it’s none of her business…to put the chair back.  He’s a smart man…never create a uncomfortable work environment for an employee…it can get you in trouble for creating a hostile work environment not only a discremination thing…so bite me…people are lucky I’m nice…I’ve always been so nice to everyone and I’m always willing to help people…trying to make them happy…why pick on me?

I’m am stressed out to the max…and I’m falling….

I just wait for everything to cumble around me and I don’t want to feel like that…I put on a front these days that everything is ok, my smile hides what I feel and I can’t take it off for fear that people won’t be able to handle it…sadness consumes me and yet I laugh…confusion has set in….there is no one to grasp onto and I’m free falling into nothingness that seems neverending…but as long as I smile I’ll be hidden from all the judgemental looks right???