Where did that come from?

So here I am again.

Writing with everything on my mind and I just can’t think of the words to describe it.

Am I sad? yes Am I scared? yes Am I confused? yes Am I in love? sometimes Am I happy? maybe Am I angry? of course

I’m pretty sure that I’ve forgotten what it really feels like to be happy. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to be ahead of the game for the rest of my life or else it’s all going to hell. I can’t let it go, I have to be in control. If I’m not who will be? I can’t trust anyone else to do anything. I can’t trust that somehow it’ll all be ok. That I’ll be ok. Do you really think that you can take care me? You haven’t held a job down in the past 7 years that we’ve been together. I can’t trust that. I’m not safe with you. I’m safe with me. Not only financially but emotionally & physically. Just because you raise your arm to get something and I flinch doesn’t mean I have issues right? Have you ever "hit" me, no, but I still have to protect myself right?

I have to get you with my words before you get me. I’ll never hurt as long as I can get you first. My tongue is my best weapon of course. I can make you feel stupid/insecure with one sentence and leave you a cold, hateful person who says awful things to me so that way I can blame you for the way I feel and I don’t feel so bad about me anymore. At least then I can feel uncertain about you. You can’t hurt me, I won’t let you. I do that enough myself and I’ve taken enough in my life. As long as I can keep control over you, make you feel smaller than me, unsure, insecure, and not worthy of anyone else then you’ll always be mine and I’ll never be alone. This is how I keep you around of course.

But what if you graduate, get a job, and support yourself??? What will I do then. My control will slip away. I won’t have anything to hang over your head anymore. How will/can I possibly control you then. What if you got a car with that job. How will I control where you go and who you see? That just won’t do. So what am I to do? How can I let go of the control I have/had? Why would/do I want to? I’ve kept you safe from your own stupid decisions for 7 years now. No one else ever did that for you, not even your own parents. The only way to keep you safe is to be a overbearing, nagging, self hating, always right bitch. You respond to this. Maybe not always positively, but what other choice do you have? I don’t like to be mean to you. I know that I wasn’t like this when we first met. I used to be a happy, giggly, carefree and willing to do things for people. I shut down over the years. Mostly because you did hurt me and I was affected by every stupid/selfish decision you made. I’m the one who had to worry about your probation and parole meetings. I wondered if you were going to come home those days. Paying for fees, classes, and all that came with. I’m the one who had to find an apartment to live in and if I didn’t find it in time you said that we should just break up. I’m the one who had to watch you get drunk and smoke pot all the time. You forgot my fucking birthday because you were too fucking drunk to realize it. When you came home at 11:45 and I was upset you didn’t get it. You then went to Kroger (drunk by the way) bought me a day old birthday cake and spaceballs. WTF?? I’m the one who encourages you to do things with your life. I want you to be happy, but at what expense to myself? It seems as though I’ve let go of all the dreams I’ve had. You didn’t ask me to, I just did it. That’s my fault I know. Somehow I put you ahead of me.

I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m bored. I’m unhealthy. I’m useless to myself. I’m depressed. I’m overweight. I’m crazy sometimes. I’m worried about everything. I’m trying to change. I’m wanting something better for myself. Whether that’s with you or not I’m not sure at the moment. I love you I know this, but I don’t love myself. I used to. I remember when I was single and for about 3 years I actually loved me. I was happy. I had clarity. I crave something different. I want to be free. I want to go out sometimes instead of sitting at home watching tv and rotting away. I don’t know how to get all of that back. I don’t know if I can get that back with you or if I have to be alone to do that. I want all of this to work. I just have so much work to do on myself. It’s not your fault either because I chose to do everything that I’ve done.

You didn’t ask me to forget about myself I did that willingly.